A Love Like Johnny and June

I'm baaaaaack!

2009-09-11T11:23:00.002-05:00

Johnny and I are having problems again......
Now I'm sitting here struggling with the choice of going out with my friends after work or going home and waiting for Johnny to come home. I'm so sick of waiting around for him! I feel like that stupid clingy girlfriend. So I say to myself "Well what do you really want to do? If you want to go out then go out and stop letting him influence your decisions." I don't know what I want except that i wish everything in the last 9 days didn't happen. Actually in the last few weeks....

Ok I just decided...I'm going out with my friends. I'm so sick of forcing myself on Johnny or waiting around for him in the off chance that he will want to hang out with me. What the hell kind of relationship am I in?!?!!

Life is crazy!

2009-06-24T13:07:00.003-05:00

I have been so incredibly busy at work lately! That is why I haven't been posting as frequently which bums me out because blogging is like venting for me :-) Being this busy also means that I haven't caught up on reading my favorite blogs so this weekend I'll be sitting in a comfy chair, sipping a latte, having a wonderful time with google reader!

Johnny is sick with a cold. He went to work this morning and came back after 10 minutes. I hope I don't catch it so we'll be very careful about washing our hand and lysoling the doorknobs ;-)

So I'm wondering if bloggers out there have words that you always misspell no matter what. My word is "bus". And it's not that I don't know how to spell it, I do but my finger when I'm typing it always wants to add an extra "s" so it always comes out as "buss". I'm not sure why my finger wants to do this but it always does. I can even be thinking in my head that there is only one "s" and my finger still types 2! I think it's a natural muscle reaction or something. Who knows but I always giggle to myself when I have to type the word "bus" and it comes out as "buss".

Have a great day!!
June

I love old people!

2009-06-23T14:51:00.002-05:00

What I love most about some old people is how quick witted they are! I'm at work and an old guy just stopped by to pick something up. As he is leaving he sees my co-worker who asks him how he is doing. He says " Oh, I'm just trying to survive the heat. I guess it's good practice for the hereafter." HAHA Who comes up with stuff like that?! LOVE IT!

I'm having drinks with my friend P. This is the friend who doesn't like Johnny and so our relationship has been a little strained lately (read more here and here). I have been feeling like I've been making quite the effort to remain friends but she hasn't. She even skipped our best friend's birthday because Johnny was going to be there. Well she initiated having drinks tonight and said she needs my advice on quite a few issues. We'll see how it goes....

I hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far. It's almost a third over!!! EEEK!

June

Where did the last week go?!

2009-06-12T14:39:00.002-05:00

Holy cow! It's Friday again?! The past week seriously flew by, faster than any other week in my entire life!!!! (Ok I'm being a little over-dramatic here...)

I'm so glad that it is Friday :-) My best friend's birthday is tomorrow and we have a whole day of activities planned ;-) We're starting with coffee at his place (he got a new espresso machine and is dying to test it out) and then brunch. Then we want to do a fun afternoon activity like kayaking to just relaxing at the beach. Then we are going to do dinner and a great little Thai place with a fabulous patio to enjoy the outdoors while drinking. Then we're hitting the town! I think I'll be sleep a lot on Sunday.

The last couple of days have been very busy at work so I'm looking forward to a fun weekend!

Happy weekend!!
June

CHECK OUT THIS GIVEAWAY!!

2009-06-10T14:29:00.003-05:00

You all need to go over to Fantabulously Frugal and check out the giveaway that is going on. It's all of her favorite things and it looks awesome!!

And if you love me, mention that I (June at A Love Like Johnny and June) sent you over.
Good Luck!!!!
June

Award!

2009-06-10T13:51:00.003-05:00

The lovely Trixie over at Swooning in the City tagged me on this award yesterday. Thanks Trixie!!

The rules are:
1. Tell your readers 10 things about you they may not know, but that are true
2. Tag 10 people with the award

10 Honest Things
1. I strive to be an outdoorsy girl and while I do love being outside there are times when I just want to plant my butt on the couch and watch TV for hours.
2. Clipped nails are one of the grossest things in the world to me. If I see a piece of nail anywhere I will start panicking!
3. I can't stand one of my co-workers and I'm not sure what to do about it.
4. I have a very suspicious nature.
5. I love to read! And I love all kinds of books from trashy romance to historical biographies.
6. Although I'm a control freak I'm not a very tidy person. I really have to make an effort to keep my apartment looking nice.
7. I need to take about 20 interior design classes because no matter what I do I feel like I have no fashion sense when it comes to decorating.
8. I love working under pressure. At work, sometimes I leave projects to the last minute on purpose because I feel like I work better that way and I like the excitement of trying to get it done quickly.
9. I love Target a little too much.
10. I'm meeting with my financial advisor on Monday and he is not going to be happy with my spending in the last couple of weeks. Oops! Maybe I won't be completely honest with him about that...

I tag:
1. ♥ H ♥ at Small Town Girl
2. Lil' Woman at Little Woman, Little Home
3. Mrs. Jetplane at Leaving and Loving on a Jetplane
4. The New Black at The New Black
5. Carol at Primadonna Bride
6. Amy at Just Add Walter
7. Shopaholic_Diva at Crazy/Beautiful/blog
8. The Newlywed Next Door at Newlyweds Next Door
9. Sara at When In Rome
10. Cybeel at Scarlett's Walk

Happy Wednesday!
June

A better Friday post :-)

2009-06-05T13:28:00.005-05:00

I got home from work today and there was a package for me sitting under my mailbox!!!!!

It was my dress from Rue La La!!

I immediately ran up to my apartment, tore open the box, took the dress out of the packaging, and tried it on. (I was super excited about getting a package and very nervous that the dress wouldn't fit or would look stupid.)

And......the dress looks fab on :-) It fits me really well and I'm very happy with it. I think it's the perfect thing to wear for the garden wedding I'll be attending in 2 weeks. The only problem with the dress is that it has pockets (I detest dresses with pockets) which are too bulky and make me look wide. I'm going to have my expert seamstress (mom) cut out the pockets and sew them shut and then the dress will be perfect!

The other 2 dresses I ordered should be arriving today! (Darn, I should have bought them on different days so that I would have packages on different days...oh well!)

Happy day!!
June

PS- I've been a little obsessed with clip art lately which explains all the cutesy little pics! hehe

Still healing...

2009-06-05T13:05:00.006-05:00

Everyone has bad days. Sometimes I feel like I'm having them more often than is normal. Johnny and I were having lots of problems a couple months ago. He really hurt me but he has committed to being a better boyfriend and our relationship has gotten 1000 times better since. I think Johnny thought everything would be perfect overnight and although things are great I still have some really bad days. The days where I get really needy and scared that his old behaviors are going to rear their ugly monster heads. These are the days that I don't even feel like myself. I feel vulnerable and icky. I'm a strong, independent woman and on my bad days I feel the opposite of that, which I hate.

I had one of these days yesterday. I never know when they are going to happen, they just do. I had planned on going home after work, going on a walk with Johnny and then cooking us dinner. I did not tell Johnny of my plan, I just assumed it would be ok with him. Well late in the day he texted me to tell me that he was going to his friend's graduation from college last night. Well I got upset because I wanted to spend time with him. He got upset at me for getting upset. We had a mini fight then we both apologized and made up. But I think it was lingering for both of us because later that night we were very nit-picky at each other. I start to feel very alone and depressed. If I follow my irrational desires I start to pick fights with Johnny. I'm not sure why I do it but I do. Last night I chose the rational option to just say 'I love you' when we went to bed and hope that the feeling is gone in the morning (which it was).

I think this is all a part of the healing process within our relationship and within myself after being hurt. I'm learning to trust again. I'm learning not to live in fear and worry of getting hurt again.

Everytime I have one of these days where I'm feeling like the sappy, needy girlfriend I vow to not let myself get that way ever again! But of course, another one shows up when I least expect it and it drives me crazy!

Anyway....all is well with Johnny and I. Sorry for the semi-downer Friday post!
Have an awesome weekend :-D

June

Movie and book reviews :-)

2009-06-03T16:06:00.007-05:00

Johnny and I finished watching the movie Australia last night. It took us 2 nights because it's really long! But despite it being a long movie we both really enjoyed it! I give it 2 thumbs up. It was filled with action and love which appeals to both Johnny and June ;-)

Hugh Jackman is a total hotty!

And that little boy is so adorable with his big eyes. I kept commenting about every 10 minutes how darn cute he was!!

The movie is about what was happening in Australia during World War 2. Nicole Kidman's husband is a cattle rancher who is murdered so she has to take over. Her and Hugh manage the ranch together, go thru some ups and downs and of course fall in love. It's a great movie and I would definitely recommend it!
Movie Rating: Buy It!

Movie rating key:
See in Theater = Excellent
Buy It = Excellent
See in Cheapseats= Very Good
Rent It = Good
Don't bother = Bad
Wish I could get those 2 hours back! = Very Bad

I also finished a book last night, Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons by Lorna Landvik. It was for my book club last month (oops! I'm a little behind) but I had to read it because I was told how good it was.

It was an EXCELLENT book! It takes place in the town I currently live in (which makes it even more fun because I know the places they talk about) and is about 5 housewives who meet in the 1960's and form a bookclub. The book spans almost 40 years and talks about the different problems they all face. It's a very heartwarming book because of the strong bond between all 5 women. I highly, highly recommend it!!!

Happy day!
June

Online shopping, movies and more!!

2009-06-02T10:52:00.005-05:00

Wow...I am obsessed with shopping online this week! I really do go thru phases where I can be very self-disciplined or very self-indulgent. The latter is very bad for my checking account....:-/ I've bought 2 dresses I can't afford in as many days via the internet. They are super cute of course and I think my problem is the fact that it is summer and I've been feeling the need to get a few new, cute summer clothes. Today I bought this:

I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it in my Title Nine catalog that I received in the mail yesterday. I immediately got online this morning when I got to work to order it and it was all out!!!! Luckily I found it at another online retailer. The dress just looks so comfy and easy to wear so I had to have it :-)

Johnny and I went to the cheapseats on Friday night and saw Taken. It was one of the best movies I've seen in a while. If you like action/suspense movies you definitely have to rent this! Liam Neeson kicks major butt in this movie and you'll be on the edge of your seat the entire time!

Lastly, my mom sent me this cute video this morning and I just had to pass it on. I love cats and grew up with them in my home so I thought this was just adorable! I could totally see my 2 wacky cats doing this exact thing ;-)

Rue La La

2009-06-01T16:40:00.005-05:00

I made my first Rue La La purchase today and I'm so excited about it!! I have an outdoor/garden wedding to go to on June 20 and I've been looking for the perfect outfit for weeks. I wanted something that was light and summer but fun and flirty :-) Of course me being the shoe lover that I am, I found the shoes first (at NY and Company) with the thought that I'll build the rest of the outfit around those.

So with the shoes purchased it was on to the dress. I've looked high and low and I just couldn't find anything that I liked that would go with the shoes. Well Rue La La opened the Free People boutique today. I'm new to Rue La La and most things are too expensive for me but I really like the Free People stuff today. And I found the perfect dress!!!!

Let's hope it fits and looks nice (crossed fingers)! I don't usually like to buy clothes online because I need to try things on but this dress seems like it will be pretty forgiving.

Now it's on to accessories and I'll be all set! And I love that I won't be scrambling at the last minute to choose something to wear!

Happy Day!

PS- If anyone wants to be invited to join Rue La La just let me know and I'll send you the invite.
June

Childish games!

2009-05-29T13:36:00.002-05:00

I am having one of those days where it seems like everyone's mission is you annoy you! A manager that I work with at my job was being a total b$&*# today! Unusually she is so pleasant to work with but today she was like Mr. Hyde! So that really set me off. Then 2 of my friends are being super childish! My one friend, P, was going behind my back a couple months ago because she was convinced that Johnny was cheating on me. Well she got D to be in on her little conspiracy and ever since things have been really strained between us. We had a talk about everything but things are still tense. She wanted everything to stay normal between us and for me to still talk about Johnny to her (which I just can't do yet) but I don't think she is making an effort at all. She has been asking D if they can hang out just the 2 of them and she never makes plans with me anymore. I just don't understand her. Yet when I call her out on it she gets all huffy like nothing is ever her fault and the world is out to get her. I'm just so sick of trying to be her friend and trying to get our relationship back to normal and then finding out that she is being a little manipulative b$^&# behind my back. It may be time to purge her!!!

I'm definitely going to need a big drink tonight!!

Fantastic Weekend!!

2009-05-26T09:16:00.002-05:00

I love my boyfriend! Johnny has been so wonderful lately and I'm just so happy! We are definitely out of the rough patch we were in over the winter and I hope it stays this way.

Our weekend at the cabin was awesome! Everyone got along so well and we laughed so much. Johnny went fishing with my Dad a few times each day and my parents definitely got to know Johnny better. I think they really like him. It was just perfect :-)

We had great weather all weekend. I even got a little bit of a tan. We did happy hour boat rides on the pontoon with lots of drinks and yummy hor d'oeuvres. We had a bonfire and watched funny home movies. We all wanted to stay for at least a few more days!

I hope everyone had a really great Memorial Day weekend!

Oh happy day!!!

2009-05-22T08:43:00.002-05:00

It's Friday and I'm leaving work early to head up to my favorite place in the whole world.....my Grandma's cabin on the lake :-) My Grandma is still at her winter home down south but my parents and sister will be at the cabin. I'm also bringing a friend with me and my bf, Johnny. I'm a little nervous because it will be the first time that Johnny spends an extended amount of time with my parents and I just really want them to like him since I love him so much :-)

It's going to be great to get away for 3 days and spend some time outside. I think everything will go great between my parents and Johnny because he is a great guy and they'll be able to see how much we love each other.

The lake cabin is my favorite place in the whole world because I have such great memories there. When I was younger I used to spend weeks at a time there with my grandparents. Just me and them! I had the best time going horseback riding, swimming, tubing, making forts, reading, etc. I am the oldest of 3 children and my siblings and I didn't always get along so I always looked forward to time away from them :-) Now, even though I don't do all the same fun things that I used to I enjoy the cabin so much. It's a stress-free place that I can just relax and enjoy life.

I hope you all have a fabulous Memorial Day Weekend!!

Sorry it's been so long!

2009-05-19T10:26:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it has been almost 3 weeks since I last posted! What a bad blogger I am!!!

Life has been cruising by that is for sure! I think summers are always like that though, at least for me.

I did talk to my friend a couple weeks ago about our little situation . Our talk was good but neither of us was willing to back down from our views. I think we both understand where the other is coming from but it hasn't changed what we both think. She still hates Johnny which makes things a little awkward. Our friendship definitely isn't the same as it used to be. It feels a little forced and even though she said she still wants me to talk to her about Johnny I don't really feel comfortable doing so. So I guess we'll just see how things go.

Johnny has been amazing lately! After the last time he stayed out all night we talked about it (basically me telling him I wasn't going to stick around if it happened again and that he was going to lose everything that means anything to him if he continues the erratic behavior). He broke my heart (which I told him) and I became a little indifferent. He realized that he was about to lose the best thing he has ever had and will ever have so he made a decision to change his lifestyle. He's been just great! And I'm gaining back my confidence in us and my trust in him which is really good. He's been talking about marriage a lot lately. He tells me that he has never wanted to marry anyone until he met me. He used to say that he wanted to get married in about 7 years and then last week when we were cuddling in bed he whispered to me "I think I want to get married sooner than I thought." Then a couple days ago when we were sitting on the couch he said "if I didn't think it was too tacky I would want to go to the courthouse and get married". I responded with "oh really?" And he said that he wants to be with me forever and that I'm the best and only girl for him. Now that the prospect of marriage is front and center I'm really scared by it. To me marriage is a lifelong commitment. I don't plan on ever getting divorced. I want to be married but do I want it right now? Am I ready to make that big of a decision in my life right now? I love Johnny and things are going well right now but how do I know that he won't start behaving the way he was? Johnny isn't financially ready to propose or have a wedding so I have time to think about everything. It's just funny that I've always wanted to get married and I've been so anxious about it and then when it is right in front of me for the taking I'm taking a step back. I guess it is good that I'm not jumping right in and I'm being thoughtful about it.

The part that really stinks about this is that I feel like I can't talk to my 2 closest friends about it because they are the ones who don't think Johnny is right for me.

I'm back!

2009-04-27T09:33:00.002-05:00

OMG! It's been way too long since I've posted :-( And not only that but I haven't read any of the blogs I follow in over 2 weeks! I've just been so busy lately and I don't like it.

My trip to Florida was awesome! It was really great to spend some relaxing beach time with my sister. It was really good to see Grandma too. My sister and I did nothing but sit on the beach and read all day every day :-)

So I'm have issues with one of my closest friends right now. I'm hoping someone out there in the blog-o-sphere can lend some advice.
I've written on here that Johnny and I have had some tough times lately. I feel like things are getting better and we have been much more open about communicating with each other. Well of course my friend K has heard me complain numerous times about Johnny when something isn't going right in our relationship. She took it upon herself to spy on him while I was in Florida. I had no idea this was going on until one of our other friends, D, told me about it when I got back. The fact that K went behind my back and took information I told her and used against me really hurt. Then, last week she suggested a happy hour for me, her and our friend D. Little did I know that this happy hour was going to be an intervention for me on why I shouldn't be with Johnny. It ended up that we didn't talk about Johnny and I at all but again I found this out after the happy hour had ended. So then the day after said happy hour I get a blast email from her where she bad-mouthed Johnny for about 3 pages. I emailed her back and said that I thought we should talk about her feelings in person within the next few days. Well she responded that she is really busy until next week but then she could chat.

I'm pissed because she is the one who wrote the email and now when I suggest talking about it in person she can't find any time in the next week for us to discuss it?! If she supposedly cares so much about my happiness (which she said in the email) then I would think she could move a few things around or stay up late to chat with me. I resent her for the things she said about Johnny because she said some pretty cruel things and I feel like she could have found a nicer way to say them. I know that Johnny and I aren't perfect but that doesn't give her the right to blast him like that. I feel like I never want to tell her anything about Johnny ever again. We'll still be friends but not as close as we were. I feel like we're in 6th grade and she passed me a note with some pretty significant things in it and now she is avoiding me to talk about it. WE'RE 25!!!!!!!! Let's be grown-ups!

TGIF!

2009-04-08T08:22:00.008-05:00

Don't worry I know that it is really only Wednesday but it is my Friday this week. Tomorrow morning, before the crack of dawn, my sister and I will be heading to the airport. We are flying to Florida to spend Easter weekend with our Grandma. This means 5 days of laying on the beach relaxing, reading, soaking up the sun and catching up with my favorite (ok my only) sister! We are going to have the best time ever! I love my little sister so much and since she moved away last year we haven't been able to spend as much time together. Talking on the phone just isn't the same as hanging out in person.

The festivities will be starting tonight with a happy hour when she arrives at my apartment. Then we get to have a sleepover (of sorts) tonight before we have to get up at 4am!

I went to Jamaica a month ago with 5 other friends and even though I've been to FL many times I'm way more excited for this trip. It is going to be so great to spend 5 relaxing days with my sis because we never get to do that.

So here are a few pics of what we'll be enjoying!

This is my Grandma's condo. She has the oceanfront condo on the 4th floor! The building is filled with old retired people but we always have a blast with them. Whether it's doing water aerobics in the pool or playing shuffle board on the lazy afternoon. They may go to bed early but they know how to have a good time while they are awake ;-)

Maybe we'll be doing a little of this while we are there! It's amazing to feel like you're flying but I will admit the height gets to me a tadbit :-/

The sunset is beautiful there and we can watch it set right in front of us on the patio. There is nothing better than watching the sunset with a cocktail in hand. We always make a toast to my Grandpa who passed away 10 years ago. He worked hard his entire life so he would be able to provide well for his family. God bless him! We like to think he's looking down on us watching the sunset with us :-)

I hope everyone has a great rest of the week and an AWESOME Easter weekend :-)
XOXO

Britney and more!

2009-04-03T11:33:00.001-05:00

I'm super excited for this weekend! Well actually mainly just tonight since I don't have plans yet for Sat or Sun.

I'm going to the Britney Spears concert with a bunch of girlfriends tonight!!! I know, some of you are probably thinking "Aren't you a little old to be going to that?". Well I think not! The way I look at it Britney is going to be a legend some day and I'll be able to look back and say that I saw her in concert. Plus I really love her songs so it should be a good time.

The girls are coming to my place before the concert to get our drink on. I'm going to be serving "Skinny Girl Margarita's" (recipe below) since I've been wanting to try them forever.

The other excited part about tonight is that my brother is coming to stay with me. He and two friends are playing in a disc golf tournament by my house on Saturday and it's easier if they stay with me tonight than drive the 1.5 hours tomorrow morning. I won't get to spend a whole lot of time with the little bro due to the concert but it's still excited :-)

I hope everyone has a fantastic springy weekend!!!

:-D
June

The Skinny Girls Margarita
On the Rocks
What you’ll need:
* 2 oz of clear Tequila (100% agave, Patron Silver)
* (count 1, 2 while you pour, no need for measuring)
* A splash of fresh lime juice
* A splash of Cointreau, Grand Marnier or Triple Sec
Combine all ingredients over a glass of ice
Garnish with a lime wedge and salt (or sugar) if you’d like.
Makes one serving

Etiquette

2009-04-02T14:06:00.002-05:00

I've been following a few new blogs that talk about etiquette which made me want to share a story about the worst wedding etiquette ever!!!

During my sophomore and junior years of college I lived with a girl who became my best friend those 2 years. At the beginning of our junior year she met a guy who worked at the front desk of our apartment building. Five months later they were talking about getting engaged and 3 months after that they did. Their engagement was a little bittersweet because even though I liked her new fiance I had a few hesitations. One, he could be a super asshole when he was drunk. Two, I honestly believe that he was her rebound guy since she had just had her heart broken about 3 weeks before meeting him.

Once they got engaged they were having a hard time deciding who would stand up with them. The groom-to-be was virtually friendless because of his assholeness-while-drunk and since they wanted a symmetrical wedding party she needed to cut her bridesmaids down. She for sure wanted her 2 cousins and his sister but was unsure if there was room for me and another friend of ours. Well they finally figured it out that they would each have 5 people. Guess how the bride-to-be asked me to be in the wedding?!?!?!?!?

IN A TEXT MESSAGE!!! And it isn't like we never saw each other. We lived together for goodness sakes! And I had seen her about an hour before I got said text message. We got ready together in the bathroom and she had plenty of time to ask me! I was so appalled by all of it.

Anyway....I didn't end up being in the wedding. She decided to move in with her fiance and basically dumped me and our other friend as friends. She never wanted to hang out and eventually stopped talking to us all together. The wedding came and went and we haven't heard from her since. She won't even be my friend on facebook. Obviously she isn't and never was a very good friend. I just can't believe how childish some people can be!

Secrets Men Keep

2009-03-31T16:12:00.002-05:00

I was reading an article today about secrets that men have. The last secret was "If you give a man an inch, he'll love you for a lifetime" and it struck a chord with me. One of Johnny's complaints about our relationship is that he feels smothered sometimes. I admit that this is probably true. I've been struggling lately with having confidence in our relationship and I feel like any little thing that goes wrong makes me extremely paranoid. I don't know how to stop this behavior but I've been trying really hard to not let things get to me so much and if they do to talk myself down from it.

The quote I liked was "If you let us be dumb guys, if you embrace our stupid poker night, if you encourage us to go surfing -- by ourselves -- our silly little hearts, with their manly warts and all, will embrace you forever for it." I think giving a guy an inch might make him love you for a lifetime but why do I constantly think, "if I give Johnny an inch, he's going to take a mile." Is there a balance? I'm scared that if I give him to much space he will run with it and not want to be with me. Then I think, well if that is true then let him run. I should find out now if he's going to run rather than in 10 years.

Sometimes I think I make this whole relationship thing harder than it needs to be. I'm going to continue to try not to be paranoid and give Johnny more space. After all, absence makes the heart grow stronger.

Kids :-)

2009-03-30T09:50:00.002-05:00

Whoa! I definitely had my fill of kids this weekend and realized that I'm definitely not ready for kids. I guess I already knew this but this weekend helped enforce the idea.

I babysat my cousin's kids for her on Friday night. My cousin and her husband went out with friends and spent the night there so I had the kids, E and D, overnight and part of the morning. E got a Nintendo DS for Christmas and guess who is obsessed with it now? ME!!! I played the game Cooking Mama for probably about 7 hours total. It's so fun! I almost bought one the next day but refrained for financial reasons and the fact that I really don't need that taking up my time.

The funniest thing ever was being informed that D's (a 4 year old boy) favorite movie is "Barbie's 12 Dancing Princesses". He even does ballet dances to the music and pretends that he is Genevieve, the starring role.

I brought my laundry with so I could do it after the kids went to bed. Well little did I realize that I had a ton to do and it took me 6 hours!!! I ended up going to bed at 3 am. Then of course E and D woke me up at 7 am and would not allow me to go back to sleep. The thought that ran through my head when I opened my eyes to see their adorable faces staring at me? "I'm never having kids."

The next day my cousin and I took the kids to the mall which has a theme park inside. The kids went on a few rides and then we headed home. It was so much fun to see their faces light up and watch them get so excited about the rides. I love them!

Then on Saturday night Johnny and I had his twin 7-year old sons for the night. We usually have them every Saturday night and Sunday. We played games and watched movies with them. Johnny and I stayed up late watching our favorite show (How I Met Your Mother) which we rented the seasons of and have been watching like crazy! We didn't go to sleep until about 2:30 and the boys woke us up about 8:30. We had breakfast and then the boys and I decorated Easter eggs!!! I hadn't done that in years so it was really fun. They were so proud of the eggs they decorated :-)

The boys went back to their Mom's around 4 and I crashed!!! I was so exhausted from the lack of sleep and the running around with kids. It was fun but I definitely like my kid-free life ;-)

The Drama of Love

2009-03-26T15:14:00.001-05:00

First of all, I really appreciate all the comments I’ve gotten. It really helps to hear that other bloggers have been through this and what your thoughts are on the subject. The comments really do help me think about what options I have and what will be best for me.

Johnny and I didn’t break up. (please don’t hate me!) When it comes down to it there are just so many things that I love about him that I wasn’t ready to throw all that away because of a few negative things.

I don’t know what’s in store for Johnny and me. I do know that I didn’t come out of our conversation the other night feeling like everything is going to be perfect because of one conversation. Usually that’s my attitude the next day but this time I felt different. I know Johnny will never change just because I want him to. I’m not perfect either and I know that I’ve contributed to where our relationship has gotten. I know we’re going to have lots more bumps and maybe it will never work but what if there is something salvageable still? I want to fight for it.

I was in a 7 year relationship that ended 2 years ago. It should have ended about 6 years prior to that but it was first love for both of us and it got comfortable. That is hard to quit. At the end of the relationship I thought I still loved him but I could never say why. I couldn’t give one reason or think of one quality that I loved. I know now that I was afraid to be alone and I honestly thought that I would never find anyone who would love me. It’s different with Johnny. I know why I love him and I’m not afraid to be alone. I also know that there are lots of guys out there that I could probably have a great relationship with. I did eventually break it off with my ex but it was really hard and it took me a long time to be able to do it.

Maybe I’m being totally stupid and there’s nothing I can do to save Johnny and I. Maybe I’m just prolonging the inevitable and making it hurt worse than it needs to. I tend to only talk about the bad times but there are tons more good times and that gives me a little hope. I need to be a little more confident in what Johnny and I have and the love and passion that makes up our relationship. Johnny also needs to do his part to let me into his heart and consider my feelings when he makes decisions.

Uggggggg! ;-)

There will be no love like Johnny and June.

2009-03-24T14:24:00.002-05:00

I'm done being sorry for wanting what I want. I want what I want and I'm not going to pretend that I'm ok not having it. I just wish Johnny could be what I want. But people don't change unless they really want to. Johnny went out again last night and had the balls to tell me that he spend all weekend with me and I still am not satisfied. He also told me that since he is turning 30 in a year that he needs to party a lot until then and he isn't going to explain himself anymore. He also said that I just want to control him and act like his mom. Oh and the best part was that he said I ruined his night last night by basically breathing. Well I'm pissed. I deserve better than this. I'm tired of being a chore to Johnny. So tonight we are going to have a talk and I'm basically going to tell him that I can't do this anymore. I'm super sad that I'm going to lose him but I'm not happy in our relationship. I just hope I can go through with it. Not only tonight but in the next few days, weeks and months. I've been through this before 2 years ago with my boyfriend of 7 years and if he hadn't pretty much abandoned me, I would probably still be with him. I have a tendency to get lonely and go back to these guys. I'm always afraid that I will never find anyone else. But I have to have faith. I spent most of last night crying while watching the Sex and the City movie. I like to watch chick flicks and listen to sad songs when I'm sad. Someone is going to love me for that and someone is going to want to spend time with me. It won't be a chore for him.

Spring Cleaning!

2009-03-23T10:53:00.006-05:00

I totally have the spring cleaning bug :-) I have the urge to leave work right now pretending to be ill to go home and start cleaning my apartment. Since Johnny and I started living together the apartment has become very cluttered with our (his) things. It's been driving me crazy for a long time. It's a little overwhelming and I don't know where to start. In addition to my need to de-clutter I want to redecorate the living room.

So I've been reading articles about organizing and de-cluttering all morning ( I do actually work sometimes but not today!). I think I'm ready to really take a stab and organizing our apartment. I'm just going to try to do a little each day so I don't get too overwhelmed. Once I get everything organized I can start to redecorate which is the funnest (word?) part! Currently I have way too much furniture in my small living room. In the organizing process I hope to get rid of a few items. Seating space is always an issue. We have a couch and a love seat right now but I'm thinking of getting a couch and an over-sized chair and a smaller accent chair. Since the living room is small the couch and love seat don't fit too well so I think breaking the love seat into 2 chairs will help with that. Here are some of the things I really like:

Now, if only I had all the money in the world! But unfortunately I will be on a very tight budget during the redecorating process. I love challenges though and I think the items will be more meaningful if I have to hunt for bargains :-)

So does anyone have any suggestions for de-cluttering/organizing and bargain hunting for furniture?

It's Friday!!! YAY!!

2009-03-20T11:34:00.002-05:00

I'm so glad that it's Friday....this week went fast but it was stressful. It was my best friend's birthday yesterday. We went out for a couple drinks but tonight is when the real party is happening and boy do we know how to party! I'm super excited to go out because of my self-appointed hermit status this winter. Now that it is getting nicer out I can enjoy going out again! This also means that I'm sick of my drabby winter clothes so I'm going shopping over lunch to find a cute new top to go with my cute new shoes!

Have a great weekend!

Happy Thursday!

2009-03-19T12:11:00.002-05:00

After the weekend from hell with Johnny we've had a really great couple of days! I've been a lot more willing to go out and have some fun on a weeknight. During the winter I tend to get a little hermit-ish because of the cold. So this week I made a point to say "yes" to going out. We went out for St Patty's Day with a friend of ours and had a great time drinking some green beer.

Yesterday Johnny called me at work and asked what I had planned for last night. I told him nothing and that I was probably just going to relax and watch TV. He then said well "I want to hang out with you if you want to do something". I almost cried because when we were fighting on Sunday one of my complaints was that I felt like I was always the one planning stuff for us to do and asking him if he wanted to spend time together. I think he was trying to make an effort yesterday to show me that he wants to spend time with me and he will start asking more.

Last night Johnny and I went out alone and played pool and darts while we drank some cheap beer. It was like an actual date and we had a ton of fun! We were flirting with each other and laughing just like we used to. Now I'm not so naive that I think a couple good days mean all of our problems are solved. I know they aren't but it's a step in the right direction I think.

New levels of Paranoia!

2009-03-17T09:21:00.002-05:00

Wow... I really need to get a hold of myself sometimes. Johnny and I have been having some issues lately. I know that we are both at fault and that we both can be a little selfish sometimes. I often wonder what the difference is between a gut instinct and sheer paranoia. Well yesterday I discovered it.

I got home from work and Johnny had already left for his night class. I was putting away the clean dishes in the kitchen and I noticed that Johnny had taken the garbage out. My first instinct was "oh, that was nice of him to do that without me asking." And then my next thought was "Why did he take it out without me asking? Was there something in there that he didn't want me to see? Something that would prove he is cheating on me?!?!"

HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT?! I have absolutely no evidence that he is cheating on me besides the fact that he has been partying a little more than usual lately. Otherwise he has still been sweet to me and he tells me he loves me more than anything and wants to be with me forever. But for some reason I have been obsessively thinking that he is seeing someone else. Anytime he is late or doesn't call when he said he would my mind automatically goes there and I'm beginning to think it is paranoia and paranoia only! Especially after my thoughts last night....

So I gave myself a little pep talk about how ridiculous I was being and how I was letting my irrational thoughts get to me. Now I know that I'm definitely not helping our situation with thoughts like that so I've decided to try a few things this week to make our relationship a little better.

1. Focus on the positive things and not the negative. I think this is self-explanatory but I'm going to try to put the majority of my focus on the positive things that Johnny does. Lately I feel like I only notice and comment on the negative things that happen. That is only going to make both of us feel depressed so this week I'm going to concentrate on a glass half full :-D
2. Be a "yes" woman. I think I've gotten a little boring over the last year. Now I blame it on it being winter and trying to save money but I just haven't gone out and had fun like I used to do. I say "no" most of the times that Johnny asks me to go out. No one wants to date a Boring Betty. So this week I'm going to try really hard to say "yes" to more fun things when Johnny asks.
3. I'm going to make an effort to not dislike Johnny's friends. I think they are really immature and I'm afraid of the affect they have on Johnny. But I expect him to get a long with my friends and be pleasant when we hang out with them so I should do the same.

We'll see how this goes!

Should I stay or should I go?

2009-03-15T12:41:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting at a coffee shop drinking a bubble tea, listening to sad songs and reading blogs. I'm so down about Johnny and I today. I just got home 4 days ago from a week of not seeing him and we have spent only 2 nights together and I feel like that was a chore for him. He didn't come home from partying Friday night until 5 pm on Saturday and then last night he didn't come home either until about noon today. I couldn't get a hold of him at all between 8 am and noon. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to date someone like this anymore. I spent most of the morning crying and watching the Sex and the City movie which I always watch when I'm sad about my relationship. Now, listening to sad songs is somehow making me feel better. Like someone out there is feeling the same things I am and was able to put it into words in a great song :-) I don't think Johnny cares about my feelings at all. Yesterday he apologized for disappearing on Friday night/Saturday morning but then he does the same thing last night and today. I'm so confused because he talks about how much he loves me and how he wants to marry me someday but then his actions seem to say that I come last to everything else in his life. I just can't deal with it anymore. I want to run away and never see him again. I wish some guy would write a book on why guys say one thing but do another!

How do I work up the courage to break things off? I hate even mentioning that but I'm not happy anymore. I'm faced with an impossible decision, break up with him and be miserable or stay and be miserable. Either way I don't get what I want.

My first award!!!

2009-03-12T11:36:00.008-05:00

I just got back from my vacation in Jamaica which was fabulous by the way!! (I'll write more on that later.) But what a great surprise to see that I had gotten my first bloggie award :-D So here it is:

I received it from A NYC Housewife-In-Training who has a fabulous blog that I have to check out every day!!

Along with the award I have to write 10 un-cute things about myself. I don't really like to admit to these things but here goes:

1. I still have to plug my nose when I jump into water.
2. I'm super nosy and have this uncontrollable urge to know everything about everyone. Sometimes this makes me snoop into things I shouldn't.
3. I get really emotional when I've had to much to drink.
4. I'm a control freak and I don't like when things aren't done MY way.
5. I eat really fast. I get teased about it a lot.
6. My workout clothes-I really should invest in cuter ones.
7. I slurp ice cream and soup really loudly.
8. Sometimes if I have nothing to wear I pull something out of the dirty clothes basket. I always do a smell-check first though!!!
9. My car-it's a 1997 Green Ford Taurus with green exterior. I desperately want a new one.
10. I had horrible buck teeth until 5th grade.

I pass this award along to:

Where the Green Grass Grows
Leaving and Loving on a Jetplane
Confessions Of A Overweight Shopaholic
When In Rome
Working Girl
Kristen's Place

These are some of my faves that I have to read everyday!!! Check them out :-)

Thanks again a H.I.T!! You really made my day :-)

Vacation here I come!

2009-03-02T09:02:00.002-06:00

I leave for my Jamaican Vacation in less than 2 days!!!

I'm working 10 hours today and tomorrow so that I don't have to use so much PTO. It was so hard to get up at 5:45 this morning...UGG! 10 hours feels like an eternity when you are used to working only 8. I need these 2 days to pass quickly or I may go a little insane!!

I really don't feel like working because I'm too excited for this much needed break from life but I've decided that working and getting things done will actually help the time pass faster. Let's hope that proves to be true anyway!

I have so much to do in the next 2 days before I leave - pack, mani/pedi, download music onto ipod, return library books, Target, bank....! I (of course) left everything until the last minute and then the last week has been so busy that I haven't had time to do much preparation.

I don't feel as excited as I should be though. I think part of it is that Johnny isn't going so I'm really going to miss him. I'm also a little afraid of what he is going to be doing while I'm gone but I just keep telling myself how much he loves me and how much I trust him. Worrying won't help anything so I'm trying really hard not to. I think the time apart will actually be good for us and maybe really good for me because I'm not going to be able to know what he's doing at all times. We won't even really be able to talk because my cell phone doesn't work internationally. Maybe this will help me learn to live without having control of the situation. We'll see :-)

Holy Snow Batman!!!

2009-02-26T14:20:00.002-06:00

It's snowing here! Which isn't unusual for February in Minnesota. I'm at work in an office with no window so usually I'm blissfully (if the weather is bad, disdainfully if it's good) unaware of what mother nature is doing. Today, since I knew snow was in the forecast, I took a walk down to the 3rd floor conference room which has a great view and was shocked that all I could see was white!!!

"EEK!" said my co-worker. "I'm leaving."

It's takes a pretty big amount of snow to make a Minnesotan feel the need to leave work in the middle of the day which proves the fact that it's dumping on us like no other!

I'm gonna stick it out only because I have vacation coming next week and I can't afford to use my precious PTO. It is probably going to be a really long commute home tonight though...ICK!

Congrats!

2009-02-24T14:32:00.002-06:00

OMG! I did it! I can't believe it but I did :-) I went a whole week without eating carbs!!! (I still ate fruit and yogurt but no bread, pasta or rice!) I'm gearing up for my trip to Jamaica next Wednesday and since I had gained almost 30 pounds since July 2007 and needed to lose some of it, Jamaica was the perfect motivator. I had a goal of losing 19 pounds from Jan 1, 2009 to Mar 4, 2009 (leave for Jamaica) and I have currently lost 14 pounds. I probably won't be able to lose 5 pounds in 1 week but hopefully I can lose another 3 since that is what I've been averaging each week. The weight loss has been hard but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I feel so much healthier too not just physically but emotionally as well. I've gotten back into my routine of exercising 6 days a week which feels amazing! The one thing I'm worried about is getting out of that routine while on vacation. I'm going to try to do some sort of exercise everyday (walking, swimming) but it definitely won't be the rigorous gym workout that I'm used to. I'm going to have to really focus on getting back into that routine once I return. I've come this far though and I'm not going to let myself gain that weight back. I told myself that 2009 was the last year that I would feel fat. After I lose the weight I put on I'm really going to focus on maintaining that weight and eating healthier.

WOO HOO!

"I was trying to think of something"

2009-02-18T10:30:00.003-06:00

I love Johnny but he can be such a typical guy. Which is a good thing I guess but every once in awhile I need him to be a little more sensitive than what comes naturally to him.

I had my annual lady exam last week and my doctor left a message for me this morning to tell me that my pap was mildly abnormal. I've never had anything like this happen to me. Actually I've never really had any problems or illnesses besides the typical colds. So I'm a little freaked out. I have to have a colposcopy which is when the doctor looks at your cervix with a microscope and possible takes a biopsy of tissue if things don't look good. My doctor didn't think it was anything to worry about and she didn't even think I needed to rush to have this procedure done. "Just in the next 6-8 weeks" she said. Well the procedure is scheduled for Friday, March 13 (kinda unlucky huh?).

When I told Johnny about it he was just silent. I told him that I was kinda freaked out about it and here is how our conversation went:
June: I'm a little freaked out about it.
Silence
More Silence
June: This is when you are supposed to say something comforting.
Johnny: I was trying to think of something.
June: How about 'It'll be fine.' Or 'I'm sure it's nothing. Don't worry baby.'
Johnny: Well yeah, I'm sure it's fine. You said your doctor didn't sound worried.
June: Well that is what doctors are supposed to do. They don't want to get you all freaked out before they know for sure what is going on.
Silence
More Silence
Even More Silence
June: Ok well I've gotta get back to work.
Johnny: Ok, I'll talk to you later.

Wow! Good thing I have friends!!! At least my best girlfriend was able to comfort me since she knows two women who have had this done in the last 4 months. I guess I can give Johnny a pass on this one since he is uber-queasy about female issues.

Waiting on my man....

2009-02-06T10:02:00.002-06:00

It's Friday! This week flew by which I'm so glad about! It was so hard to get up this morning, probably because I only got about 5 hours of sleep. Johnny went out after class with some friends and asked if i would wait up for him since we hadn't seen each other all day. I said I would only because he said he would be home at 11. Well he didn't get home until about 12:45. I gave up on him about 12:15 but hadn't fallen asleep yet when he came home so we talked in bed before we both fell asleep. Usually when Johnny doesn't come home when he says he is going to I get really upset but I've been trying to stay calm lately and he was checking in every 20 minutes last night to let me know he'd be late. The thing I was most upset about was not getting my 8 hours of sleep! I read this article in Glamour (love that mag!) about a study that was done linking the amount of sleep women get and weight loss. Six women in the story committed to getting at least 7.5 hours of sleep per night and all of them lost weight without changing any other habits e.g. exercise and eating. So last night I was going to start my own experiment and try to get 8 hours of sleep. Well Johnny crushed that plan. Maybe I'll try to start it tonight.

I love how quotes can make you feel better :-)

2009-02-03T14:56:00.002-06:00

Sometimes quotes make me feel better about issues I'm dealing with. I think that is because it feels like someone else in the world gets what you are thinking and you aren't alone. Today I found the quote below and thought it was perfect! (Sorry, I'm not sure where it is from exactly.)

"Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it."

Don't worry!

2009-02-03T09:17:00.002-06:00

Ok. I'm a control freak. I will be the first one to admit this. Am I trying to control my relationship with Johnny too much? Probably. Do I need to just let go and let it run its course? Probably. I know I can be a little uptight at times and maybe this is one of those times. Johnny always tells me that I worry too much which I do so maybe I need to just stop worrying and let things happen. Interesting....it sounds good in theory but I know it's going to be really hard for me. Sometimes when I try to let go and let things happen it comes across as if I don't care about what happens. How do I let go but still care?

No Choice

2009-02-02T10:37:00.004-06:00

So Johnny and I had a talk on Thursday night about our relationship. He always seems receptive while we are talking but then he makes the same mistakes which makes me think that he just doesn't care. He went out Saturday night and didn't come home until 3:00 in the afternoon on Sunday. I made the choice to trust him and not doubt his faithfulness but I'm kind of starting to. He goes out with friends almost every night and doesn't come back until early morning. I feel like he has been really secretive lately and just kind of weird. I don't know if it's me being paranoid or if it's a gut feeling that I should follow.

The part that hurts the most is that I feel like I'm back in the same situation that I was with my ex 2 years ago. The feeling of not really being wanted by my boyfriend. Of having to fight for any little time spent together. Feeling like I know very little about where he is and what he is doing. I hate that I'm back at this point with someone new. What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why do I continue to pick these men that end up doing the same thing to me?
I love Johnny so much and I want to be with him more than anything in the world but I need to be happy too and right now I'm not. I feel like I'm on the road to giving up and building up the courage to end it.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to have too mature of a relationship. Am I too boring like Joe says? Do I act too much like his mom or grandma? Am I in too much of a rush to get married and settle down? I don't know. I want a mature relationship but I also want to have fun with the man I love. Sometimes I think that Joe and I just aren't right for each other right now. He's doing the whole college thing, go out every night and I've done that. Yes I still like to go out with friends but not the same way I did in college. But maybe I should be living it up more now. Maybe I'll regret not doing that when I'm older. But it just isn't me. I've always been mature for my age and I'm ok with that. Why should I try to be someone I'm not? Why should I act in a way that feels unnatural to me?

I think I've done all I can to make this relationship work. Johnny isn't pulling his weight. He isn't doing his part. And there isn't anything I can do or say to make him want to.

What to do?

2009-01-29T09:05:00.002-06:00

I'm at a loss as to what to do about the relationship between Johnny and I. Yesterday I had told him that I really wanted to spend some time with him last night. We don't see each other very often during the week because of work and school and last night since he didn't have to go to class I thought it would be a great opportunity for us to spend time together. Well after about an hour of hanging out he wanted to go play chess with a friend. I said that was find as long as he came back early. (I'm trying to be understanding and let him do his own thing so he doesn't feel suffocated.) He said he would be back around 10:30. Well at 10:30 he called and said that he would be a little late. I told him to hurry so that I didn't get too tired before he come home. He said he would. After we hung up I texted him telling him to please come home now because I really wanted to see him and spend time together. He said he was copying his friends notes from the class he missed. I went to sleep. Johnny arrived home at 3am. I'm upset of course. I'm crying because I feel like he doesn't want to be with me. Why should I have to beg for him to spend time with me? I told him that I feel like he doesn't care what I want or say. He said he feels the same about me and that I never listen to him or care what he is going through. I just can't believe he thinks that. I'm sacrificing so much for him and I'm trying to be so understanding but I need him to meet me halfway. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Book Review

2009-01-27T12:19:00.002-06:00

I just finished reading "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. It's my bookclub's pick for February so we can go to the movie instead of have a formal meeting. I was not really impressed. The book goes through many examples of excuses that men use which in the end mean that they just aren't into the woman. I agreed with some of the advice in the book but I also couldn't help but feeling like the author was making this out to be The Bible of relationship advice. Sometimes I don't think things are as clean cut as the book implies. For instance, Greg talks about the excuse of a guy being too shy to ask a girl out as really meaning that "he's just not that into you". I don't agree with this. I think being shy is a legitimate reason for not asking a girl out. Men are just as much afraid of rejection as women are. My background in science tells me that there are just too many variables to consider. Not all men are the same so this set of rules isn't going to work for all relationships. I think it is best to take the book with a grain of salt and use it as a guide only. I'm interested to know what other people thought of the book and it's advice.

Check-in Monday

2009-01-26T09:03:00.003-06:00

Annoying!!! Monday is the day that I weight myself to see how I'm doing on my weight loss goals. The last 2 Mondays the scale has not budged!!! I know what I'm doing wrong. I need to get my eating under control. I've been really good at exercising. I get an hour of cardio in 6 days a week and since January 1 I have only missed 4 days. The problem is that since I'm exercising more my body is physically hungrier than it used to be so I feel the urge to eat more. I should fight this urge so that I have a deficit of calories everyday but I've been giving in. Plus, I live with a man who likes to eat bad things and since he's eating it then it makes it really hard for me to say no. So this week I'm going to concentrate really hard on 2 things. One, keeping my snacks healthy, limiting my eating to 3 meals and 2 snacks and keeping my portions small. And two, not eating what Johnny eats. (I think that was more than 2 things but whatever.)
That scale is going to go down damnit!!!

TGIF!

2009-01-23T15:10:00.002-06:00

I'm so glad it is Friday! But then again am I ever not glad that it is Friday?! NOPE! I am so bored at work right now. I just have no ambition to do anything! Ok who am I kidding? I never want to do anything at work. But today is especially bad. I want to go home and relax and do something really fun.

I had one of those internal struggles today at lunch. I'm trying really hard to lose weight before my trip to Jamaica in March. So I've been eating healthy and working out everyday and it actually feels really good. And even though I haven't lost much weight yet I can definitely feel my body changing. I feel more toned and healthier. Today for lunch I brought the ingredients for a Southwestern Salad which is really good but I've been eating it for 4 days straight now and it really didn't sound good to me at noon today. I really wanted to go to the cafeteria and get something really tasty but really bad for me. The angel on my shoulder was telling me to eat my salad to not only maintain the healthy diet but to save money. The devil on my shoulder was coming up with many ways to justify going to the fat-loaded cafeteria. I was at the point where I would rather not eat than eat the salad. But my willpower worked this time! I ate the salad and I feel good about that. I know I would have felt guilty and regretted getting the Bacon Cheeseburger and Waffle Fries but they would have tasted good in the moment.

Happy Inauguration Day!

2009-01-20T12:47:00.005-06:00

What a momentous day! I get goosebumps just thinking about how today will be remembered forever in history! And it's so crazy to think that I was alive for it and was able to watch it happen. I'm so proud of our country for electing Barack as the 44th president. He brings so much hope and inspiration to the position. I can't wait to see what he does in the next 4 years. I'm just so excited!!!

I also must say something about Former President Bush (doesn't that sounds awesome!). I feel sort of bad for him. He must feel like shit for leaving our country in the state it is in. But I can respect him a little since only 44 people in the entire world know what it is like to sit in the Oval Office chair and make decisions for the USA.

We are on the path to making our country a better place to live.
HAPPY INAUGURATION DAY!!!

And then...

2009-01-19T16:14:00.002-06:00

Johnny calls me at work and is so nice and sweet and acts like the guy I fell in love with. This makes it very hard to be mad at him and want out of our relationship. GRRRR

Love hurts...

2009-01-19T10:03:00.002-06:00

Johnny and I got in a huge fight on Thursday night. It started with me getting upset that he was yet again going out with friends and staying out until really late at night. I had hardly seen him in the last couple days and it makes me feel like he doesn't care if we see each other or not. So when I got upset abut that he started to get defensive and upset with me. Well words were said and we didn't speak to each other the rest of the night and the next morning. At work on Friday I emailed me him a super long email about my feelings and what I had been observing in the relationship. He responded and apologized for his behavior and the things he said. He told me that he loved me so much and didn't want to lose me but that he is going through so many stressful things right now. I didn't see him all weekend until Sunday night because he didn't want to come see me since it's obviously more fun to hang out with his friends. I was a miserable wreck all weekend because I felt like our relationship was unraveling. I felt like there was nothing I could do to fix it and make it better. I felt how I did when things fell apart with my ex 2 years ago. I felt a little abandoned. So last night Johnny and I hung out but we didn't talk about the fight or anything. I didn't want to bring it up because we were having a good time and I don't want to seem like we always have to be talking about that. I really need to bring it up tonight though. And I need to ask him, "Do you have what it takes to make this work?", "Do you want to put the effort in?". I'm really close to being at the end of my rope. I can't keep giving 200% and getting about 30% back from him. I understand that he is going through some really difficult things right now but that doesn't mean that he can be lazy in our relationship. To me that says that he doesn't really want to be in it. I hate that I'm back at the same place in a relationship with someone totally different. Why don't I deserve to find someone who doesn't have major emotional issues and is able to love me the way I want to be loved?

Awkward!!!

2009-01-15T13:23:00.002-06:00

So I have been religiously working out lately because of this little trip I have planned which will require me to be in a bathing suit for 7 days straight. When I can, I work out with my friend at his apartment because there is a fitness center there. Last night we did 45 minutes of jogging/running on the treadmill (experts say to do 45-60 minutes of cardio, 4-5 times per week to get rid of belly fat) and then did a DVD ab workout. Well since there was 3 of us and his apartment is small we decided to do the ab workout in the media room which has a big tv, couches, pool table, bar/kitchenette area and a patio. We were getting in to our workout when the door opens and 2 middle aged men walk in and start playing pool/watching us workout. Now we all know that when doing those DVD workouts one can look pretty ridiculous. We did of course and it was a little embarrassing to know that these 2 guys were watching. I got over it pretty quickly until my friend started passing gas which stunk up the entire room! We finally finished and of course my farting friend had to make small talk with these 2 guys which was even more awkward. HAHA I'll be doing my workouts in the privacy of my own home from now on.

What is wrong with some people?!

2009-01-12T13:51:00.004-06:00

So I wasn't going to blog about this but when my friend's response to the story after I emailed it to her was "peeing my pants. must run to bathroom." I figured other people may get a kick out of it.
There is this super creepy dude that works in IT that I do not like! My cubicle is next to the cubicle with the fax machine and all of a sudden I hear my name being said and I look over and he is like peeking over the wall to stare at me. He has snuck up on me like 3 times in the last month.* And he is old and ugly and married with 2 kids. Plus just now after he creepily peered over the wall at me he came into my cube and was like nosing around in my papers. GET AWAY!

*One time I was watching my soap on my computer (ok, I admit that I hardly do any real work while at work) and I happened to look over and he is just standing in my cube staring at me! Now usually I can hear people approaching because I don't want to get caught watching my soap at work which means that he must have seriously SNUCK up on me. Like tiptoed and everything I'm sure.

All in...

2009-01-12T12:44:00.002-06:00

So I've decided (I'm pretty sure I've came to this conclusion before and just not stuck to it) that I am going to give Johnny my complete trust. I have to. I expect him to trust me and to get that I need to give it. I mean he hasn't really done anything to deserve anything less. Most of my trust issues stem from a past relationship and I can't hold the things that happened with someone else again Johnny. I'm afraid of not seeing the signs that tell me we aren't going to work. There were so many signs I should have seen in previous relationships. But I guess the saying that hindsight is 20/20 is a saying for a reason.
I just have to let go and I'm going to try really hard to do it this time. I overanalyze things and I let things get stuck in my head but I need to follow my heart more often. I know he loves me and that he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. I might still get hurt but that is part of life and I think I'm doing more harm by being afraid of that.
OMG it's so hard though! I just sat here for a moment thinking about how I'm going to relinquish control and put my trust in him. I got a little scared! I got that nervous feeling in my stomach! I think I need help. I need thereapy to get over this need of being in control.
Ok no therapy yet (because I can't afford it) so I'm going to have to try to get through this on my own.

(shakes head)

2009-01-08T15:44:00.003-06:00

Wow. I'm at work. Just now in the hallway I passed my boss who is 6 months pregnant. Aunt Flo is visiting me right now so my first thought was "Wouldn't it be awesome to not have your period for 9 months?!". My next thought was "Wouldn't it be even MORE awesome to not have to worry about birth control and getting pregnant for 9 months!?" Wow....I don't even know what to say for myself. That thought doesn't even really make sense. I'll just do that motion like in the V-8 commercials, a big "Duh" hit to my head. I consider myself a smart person but I definitely have my blond moments.

Hello, my name is June and I'm a....

2009-01-08T14:34:00.002-06:00

travelholic!!! I love to travel! I love being with friends and laughing and experience new things and exploring and seeing what kind of mischievous biz we can get in to! I'm sure like to travel as much as me but I really feel addicted to it. I'm not happy unless I have a trip to look forward to. At work people are always like "where are you going now?" Whatever they are just jealous!
So my next trip that I have planned is to Jamaica in March. I'm really excited for it because I'm going with my best friend from childhood and his family which is pretty much my 2nd family. We've known each other since we were 3 years old in preschool at Gingerbread house ;-) His parents are so fun and awesome! Plus his boyfriend is coming along as well so we are just going to have a blast. After (well before too) we booked our trip I was definitely having a little bit of buyer's remorse because I knew I shouldn't be spending that much money on something when I have some college debt to pay off. I've come up with some good reasons (justifications) for this trip and here they are: (maybe you can use them if you need justificiation for something)
1. I need to get in shape. I'm not totally unhappy with my body but it does need a little work. In the past year I have hardly worked out and I ate like shit. My new year's resolution (along with everyone else on the planet) was to workout more and eat healthier. I've been trying to do this for a year now and nothing has seemed to motivate me enough to actually stick to it. This is where my trip to Jamaica comes in. Since I'm going to be spending 7 days on the beach in a swimsuit I definitely want to look my best. So this trip is totally my motivation for finally sticking to my plan of getting in shape. It has worked before (Vegas 2007) so I think it will work again. So far I have worked out 6 of the last 8 days. And I'm bringing a healthy lunch and snacks to work everyday as well as eating a healthy dinner. Moral of the story....lipo and other weight loss solutions can cost lots of money! I'm getting a 2-for-1 deal since I get a trip and a better bod out of the deal.
2. Mood booster. I know everyone experiences a little depression at some time in their life. My life is ok right now but I do get a little depressed by things every now and then. Having a super fun trip to look forward too helps me get through the tough times. I'm saving on depression medication and spendy therapist bills so again, 2-for-1 deal. (Ok, the money I'm spending may cause me more depression later when I realize I really couldn't afford it but I'll just re-read this post to justify it again.)

You can pick your friends....but maybe I should pick them for you.

2009-01-08T14:11:00.003-06:00

Is it totally horrible that I hate pretty much of my boyfriend's friends? I guess hate is pretty strong but I do dislike them. I think they are all immature, lazy and doing absolutely nothing with their life with no plans of changing that. I keep hoping that my bf will realize what losers they are. The problem is he says he knows they're losers and that is why he likes hanging out with them. Being around them makes him feel better about himself. What an insane reason to be friends with people!!!! Now I know that my bf doesn't like all my friends either but at least all my friends have goals and aren't completely lazy and unmotivated. I'm trying to be nice here but it's really hard. So what does one do when this happens? I can't tell him who to be friends with and I can't really voice my honest opinion because that would hurt his feelings. I just wish he could find some people who are more respectable to be friends with. Will he grow up and out of his current friendships? Will he one day realize that these people are holding him back. I hope so!!!
PS-This problem probably has a little bit to do with me wanting total control of everything in my life and in the lives of everyone around me.

Kids say the darndest things!

2008-12-11T09:29:00.003-06:00

So I was babysitting last night. I love babysitting because it gives me a chance to be a big kid every now and then while earning a little extra cash! This family is one I've known for 4 years and at one point I was their full-time summer nanny. JB is the youngest. He and his two older sisters are fascinated with the fact that I have a boyfriend and are always asking me about it. When they were a little younger they used to say to me with big, scared eyes "You know if you marry a boy you have to kiss him!?!" Like that is the worst and grossest thing in the world. Last night as I was putting JB to bed he started asking me questions about Joe.
JB: How old is your boyfriend?
Me: 28
JB: How old are you?
Me: 24
JB: Wow, he is a lot older than you. Are you probably going to marry him?
Me: Probably.
JB: Are you like big time girlfriend and boyfriend?
Me: Yes I think we are big time.
How can you not chuckle at that!? I love seeing things through a child's eyes because it makes the world seem a little less serious. I can always count on JB to make me smile.

Being Nice

2008-12-11T09:19:00.004-06:00

So I have decided that I think I would benefit from being a little nicer to everyone around me. Especially to my boyfriend, Johnny. I mean he is the one person that I care most about in the world. But when does being nice turn into totally annoying? When does it turn in to being fake? Or letting people walk all over you? Or being untrue to yourself? In the last 12 hours I have been doing things for Johnny that a couple days ago I probably would have made a snide comment if he had asked me to do it for him. I've been going out of my way to do nice things for him and I can't help but wonder what he is thinking about all of this. Like "Wow, she is being really nice but is a two headed monster going to show up soon?" Or, "Does she really think that her being this nice is fooling me?" Or, "She couldn't have changed overnight." Plus I'm really afraid that Johnny might take it for granted or not be appreciative of me or start to walk all over me. I guess it will just take some time to find a balance between being kind and staying true to myself. I for sure have to let all the snide comments go. If I feel like there is something that I shouldn't be doing then I can speak up but in a tactful and kind way. We'll see how this goes and I will definitely document my progress on here.

3-legged races

2008-12-10T10:38:00.005-06:00

At some point you realize that your best isn't good enough. Or maybe you were fooling yourself all along into thinking that the effort you were putting forth really was your best but in reality it wasn't. I'm so worried about being fair. I'm so worried about making sure that Johnny and I are meeting exactly in the middle. Maybe that's an unfair expectation. Maybe instead meeting in the exact middle is an average you strive for over an entire lifetime not at every single moment of every single day. Sometimes I'll be giving 70% when he is giving 30%. But at other times I'll be giving 10% when he is giving 90%. That should be what relationships are about. When your partner can't give their all, you pick up the slack because you know that person would do the same for you. How do you learn to do that? How do you learn to work together like partners in a three-legged race instead of as opponents in tug-o-war? Does it work to sit down and say "This is you and me together. If I fail we both fail. We have to be working together, not against each other. We both have to want what's best for the other person and put forth every effort to acheive that goal." If we both can't agree to that then is all lost?

Why do relationships seem to come naturally to some people? I struggle with them! Does everyone struggle and we just don't know about it? Why can't it come easy sometimes? I'd like to think that I'm putting in my dues now so that later in life the relationship will be very easy.

Losing control

2008-12-10T09:46:00.005-06:00

Am I stupid? Do I live in a dream world? Yesterday on the plane ride home all I could think about was how much I love Johnny and how much I want to be with him forever. I want to marry him and work towards a good life together. I want his problems to be mine and vice versa. And then I come home to him talking about how unhappy he is and how much I contribute to him being depressed. Talk about a ton of bricks. Everything he said is true. Although I try to be supportive and understanding I actually am just a huge selfish bitch. I'm a control freak and I'm only happy if things go exactly my way.

We are never going to make it if we can't learn to work together as a team. I think we both are so selfish and we only think of ourselves when we make decisions. Even though I like to pretend that I'm so much better than that and that I think of "us" when I make decisions, I don't. I think about me and how I can be in control.

I just want to cry, lay in bed in the dark and cry for 3 days. Maybe that's what I'll do this weekend.

Food: Friend AND Foe

2008-12-10T08:56:00.004-06:00

No wonder I'm so fat. Food has become my best friend. Something that I can always count on to be there when I need it. It always tastes good and makes me feel better. I can't really say that about any of my people friends.

The relationship between Johnny and I is in shambles. He is depressed and I am making it worse. I'm depressed because I can't seem to do anything right. What makes him happy and what makes me happy are not the same things. I feel like I could burst out in tears at any second. Why do I always mess things up? I let the good guys get away because I don't have feelings for them and then I sabotage the relationships with the guys that I really love. I'm a freak. I have to be so in control of everything that I drive people away. That's probably why I don't have any real friends.

I feel like giving up on everything. I want someone to take care of me.

Lost...

2008-12-03T10:52:00.003-06:00

I don't know what to do. Johnny is so stressed out and depressed because he can't find a job and he has very little money. He is saying that he is going to go live with his mom for awhile because that will pressure him into finding a job sooner. He feels pressure from me and his BM (baby mom) to contribute monetarily. I get so upset when he spends his money on frivolous things when I am struggling to stay on my budget and pay my credit cards off. I don't understand where he thinks this relationship is. He doesn't think we live together and doesn't want to. He doesn't want my help with anything. He doesn't take my advice that I give him. I'm getting so depressed about it. He is always staying up late and coming to bed at 3 am unless we have sex which makes me feel like I only matter to him as a sex partner. Last night when he came to bed he was all cuddly with me and it was so sweet and then I realize that it's probably only because he wants sex. I hate that feeling. Maybe it will be good if he goes and lives with his mom for awhile. Maybe the week that I'm housesitting will be good for us to be apart. I don't think he is trying as hard as he can. He's putting abot 70% effort into finding a job and saving his money. He thinks he is giving 100% but I can list about 10 things he could be doing that he isn't. I'm afraid that he is going to go to some other girl. One who he can escape with and forget his problems. One who he has no responsibilities to and doesn't pressure him about a job and money. I just want to shut down and crawl in a hole. I feel lost. Everything is out of control and slipping away from me. The more I grasp at it the farther away it goes.

Humor when needed...

2008-11-18T10:52:00.002-06:00

Have you ever noticed how almost every life situation can be described with an episode/scene from either "Friends" or "Sex and the City"? I think it's fabulous because both shows brought humor to otherwise uncomfortable or hard life lessons. I'm sure the relevancy of the shows had something to do with their success.

While on a trip last spring my friends and I were constantly find ourselves in situations that we had seen on one of those two shows. It was so much fun to describe the scene and then have a big laugh.

Now today my friend is describing to me her breakthrough in therapy which is parallel to Carrie Bradshaw's breakthrough after sleeping with Jon Bon Jovi.

It feels good to know that we are not alone in this life. For every situation we experience there is more than likely someone out there who is or has also experienced it. Finding those people to connect with and support you is the hard part.

Alone.

2008-11-17T08:59:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I feel very alone in my relations with Johnny. I feel like we are on separate, parallel at times but separate paths. I understand that life is hard for him right now and that he is depressed. Sometimes I don't think Johnny considers my feelings or wishes when he makes decisions. I'm always thinking about him and us when I make decisions. I'm a thoughtful person and I can't not think about his needs/wants when I do things. When do I get to be with something who is as responsible as I am? Will Johnny grow into that or is this how it is going to be forever. I understand that he cannot contribute financially right now but then why can he afford to go out with his friends every weekend or buy lunch almost everyday when we have lunch food in the house. And having no money does not stop someone from being thoughtful and picking up after themselves. Or doing the dishes when there are dirty ones in the sink. Or cleaning the bathroom or keeping his area in the bedroom straightened up. Not only does he not do these things without being asked, he doesn't do them when I ask him to. I get really frustrated and I view all of this as him not investing in our relationship. Because to me, if he really cared he would do these things. I was watching "The Breakup" yesterday and feeling exactly how Brooke (Jennifer Aniston) was describing her feelings. When do men grow up? That is the real question. I compare all men to my Dad which I'm sure most girls do. My Dad always helped out around the house. Not only did he do the outside chores and repairs, he helped with dishes and laundry. But was he always like that or did that come with getting older and maturation? And how long am I supposed to wait around to see? Obviously if Johnny is 50 and I'm still complaining about the lack of help then it may be time to move on but then it's too late. What can I say to him that will make him understand where I'm coming from? When I try to talk to him all he says is that he is depressed and it's like that is his excuse for everything. Well he is making me depressed because I feel alone in this relationship. I can't do everything. Not only am I paying all the bills but I do all the housework. I think I will tell him that if he can't do some of the chores then he needs to start paying for half of everything.

Goodbye Fat Me!

2008-11-13T09:20:00.002-06:00

It's day 2 of my new lifestyle! I'm not calling it a diet because I really want to change how I eat for life not just a quick fix to lose weight. I do want to lose weight but my main goal is to be healthier. My motives are a little vain but I've noticed that carrying extra weight has just made me feel very uncomfortable in my own body. It causes me a lot of stress too.

So the first week of this new lifestyle is the strictest part and I can have up to 20 g of carbs per day. That is not a lot. To put it in perspective for you I have listed a few things and the carb count:
1 cup milk - 13 g carbs
1/2 cup cottage cheese- 3 g carbs
1 stick of sugarless gum- 2 g carbs

So as you can see, it is not hard to hit 20 g. I can't have any fruit, pasta, bread, potatoes and other vegetables that have a high carb count. I'm hoping to lose 7 pounds this week from my carb fast. With a goal of 25 pounds in 8 weeks continuing the lifestyle.

Rent-a-Cat

2008-10-22T10:17:00.004-05:00

EEEEK!!! I always thought of myself as an animal lover. I still believe I am but I used to think that when given the choice of seeing a bug in my apartment or a mouse I would choose a mouse. Not so! It's along the lines of "you don't know what you got 'til its gone" but in a "don't know which is worse 'til both happen" sort of way.

I admit that my apartment is a bit of a mess right now but not so bad that I thought it would attract unwanted houseguests. So when I walked in to my dining room, flipped on the light and saw a small, furry creature scamper towards the stove and dissappear behind it, I was pretty suprised. Frozen may be a better word for it as I felt like I couldn't move or speak for what felt like days. I broke out of the stupor to leap to my bed and curl up in a ball. I felt violated and that all my belongings were tainted now that the mouse had been in my house. I quickly gathered up a few things and left the apartment to go to the coffee shop. There was no way I was going to stay in my house with that thing!

Johnny must be more disgusted by mice than me because he showed up with a rent-a-cat (his friend's) after I told him what I had walked in on earlier. Supposedly the cat's scent will keep the mouse or other mice from coming back into the apartment. I hope it works although maybe we should just move! I'll definitely be deep cleaning the apartment this weekend.

Trust

2008-10-01T09:32:00.003-05:00

I find it hard to distinguish between my intuition/instinct and feelings of paranoia. I really don't think that Johnny would cheat on me. I think he really loves me and he wants to be with me and he doesn't want to hurt me. Is it stupid for me to think that though? Should I be taking what I learned from my mistakes with Malnourished (my ex) and using them in this relationship? There are certain things that Johnny has done that maybe are signs that I should run. Like when I caught him dancing with another girl at Bar A. Or the fact that he has a MySpace account and never mentioned it. And the fact that Leslie saw on his MySpace that he is listed as Single and looking for "sexy ass woman that aren't damaged." Do I take these things as reasons to not be with him? Or are they just dumb things that don't matter? At some point I just have to put my full trust in Johnny and not be afraid to get hurt. Everyone has the potential to hurt us but not everyone will. I want to be a really good girlfriend and I don't want to give him a reason to want to cheat. From the conversations we have had he said he has never cheated on a girlfriend and that he would never want to meet a girl online. I think I need to go with my true feelings about Johnny because I know deep down that he is a good man and that he loves me. I can't let the little things get to me. He knows that he is lucky to have me and I don't think he is going to do anything to mess that up.

Welcome to Blogging!

2008-09-30T13:12:00.002-05:00

I finally have a space to record all my thoughts and feelings. I'm hoping this blog can be therapeutic for me. I have a hard time verbalizing my thoughts so I think being able to write them down in a blog format will help me to at least get them out. We'll see how it works!