The Drama of Love

First of all, I really appreciate all the comments I’ve gotten. It really helps to hear that other bloggers have been through this and what your thoughts are on the subject. The comments really do help me think about what options I have and what will be best for me.

Johnny and I didn’t break up. (please don’t hate me!) When it comes down to it there are just so many things that I love about him that I wasn’t ready to throw all that away because of a few negative things.

I don’t know what’s in store for Johnny and me. I do know that I didn’t come out of our conversation the other night feeling like everything is going to be perfect because of one conversation. Usually that’s my attitude the next day but this time I felt different. I know Johnny will never change just because I want him to. I’m not perfect either and I know that I’ve contributed to where our relationship has gotten. I know we’re going to have lots more bumps and maybe it will never work but what if there is something salvageable still? I want to fight for it.

I was in a 7 year relationship that ended 2 years ago. It should have ended about 6 years prior to that but it was first love for both of us and it got comfortable. That is hard to quit. At the end of the relationship I thought I still loved him but I could never say why. I couldn’t give one reason or think of one quality that I loved. I know now that I was afraid to be alone and I honestly thought that I would never find anyone who would love me. It’s different with Johnny. I know why I love him and I’m not afraid to be alone. I also know that there are lots of guys out there that I could probably have a great relationship with. I did eventually break it off with my ex but it was really hard and it took me a long time to be able to do it.

Maybe I’m being totally stupid and there’s nothing I can do to save Johnny and I. Maybe I’m just prolonging the inevitable and making it hurt worse than it needs to. I tend to only talk about the bad times but there are tons more good times and that gives me a little hope. I need to be a little more confident in what Johnny and I have and the love and passion that makes up our relationship. Johnny also needs to do his part to let me into his heart and consider my feelings when he makes decisions.

Uggggggg! ;-)