No Choice

So Johnny and I had a talk on Thursday night about our relationship. He always seems receptive while we are talking but then he makes the same mistakes which makes me think that he just doesn't care. He went out Saturday night and didn't come home until 3:00 in the afternoon on Sunday. I made the choice to trust him and not doubt his faithfulness but I'm kind of starting to. He goes out with friends almost every night and doesn't come back until early morning. I feel like he has been really secretive lately and just kind of weird. I don't know if it's me being paranoid or if it's a gut feeling that I should follow.

The part that hurts the most is that I feel like I'm back in the same situation that I was with my ex 2 years ago. The feeling of not really being wanted by my boyfriend. Of having to fight for any little time spent together. Feeling like I know very little about where he is and what he is doing. I hate that I'm back at this point with someone new. What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why do I continue to pick these men that end up doing the same thing to me?
I love Johnny so much and I want to be with him more than anything in the world but I need to be happy too and right now I'm not. I feel like I'm on the road to giving up and building up the courage to end it.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to have too mature of a relationship. Am I too boring like Joe says? Do I act too much like his mom or grandma? Am I in too much of a rush to get married and settle down? I don't know. I want a mature relationship but I also want to have fun with the man I love. Sometimes I think that Joe and I just aren't right for each other right now. He's doing the whole college thing, go out every night and I've done that. Yes I still like to go out with friends but not the same way I did in college. But maybe I should be living it up more now. Maybe I'll regret not doing that when I'm older. But it just isn't me. I've always been mature for my age and I'm ok with that. Why should I try to be someone I'm not? Why should I act in a way that feels unnatural to me?

I think I've done all I can to make this relationship work. Johnny isn't pulling his weight. He isn't doing his part. And there isn't anything I can do or say to make him want to.