Still healing...

Everyone has bad days. Sometimes I feel like I'm having them more often than is normal. Johnny and I were having lots of problems a couple months ago. He really hurt me but he has committed to being a better boyfriend and our relationship has gotten 1000 times better since. I think Johnny thought everything would be perfect overnight and although things are great I still have some really bad days. The days where I get really needy and scared that his old behaviors are going to rear their ugly monster heads. These are the days that I don't even feel like myself. I feel vulnerable and icky. I'm a strong, independent woman and on my bad days I feel the opposite of that, which I hate.



I had one of these days yesterday. I never know when they are going to happen, they just do. I had planned on going home after work, going on a walk with Johnny and then cooking us dinner. I did not tell Johnny of my plan, I just assumed it would be ok with him. Well late in the day he texted me to tell me that he was going to his friend's graduation from college last night. Well I got upset because I wanted to spend time with him. He got upset at me for getting upset. We had a mini fight then we both apologized and made up. But I think it was lingering for both of us because later that night we were very nit-picky at each other. I start to feel very alone and depressed. If I follow my irrational desires I start to pick fights with Johnny. I'm not sure why I do it but I do. Last night I chose the rational option to just say 'I love you' when we went to bed and hope that the feeling is gone in the morning (which it was).

I think this is all a part of the healing process within our relationship and within myself after being hurt. I'm learning to trust again. I'm learning not to live in fear and worry of getting hurt again.

Everytime I have one of these days where I'm feeling like the sappy, needy girlfriend I vow to not let myself get that way ever again! But of course, another one shows up when I least expect it and it drives me crazy!


Anyway....all is well with Johnny and I. Sorry for the semi-downer Friday post!
Have an awesome weekend :-D

June