What to do?

I'm at a loss as to what to do about the relationship between Johnny and I. Yesterday I had told him that I really wanted to spend some time with him last night. We don't see each other very often during the week because of work and school and last night since he didn't have to go to class I thought it would be a great opportunity for us to spend time together. Well after about an hour of hanging out he wanted to go play chess with a friend. I said that was find as long as he came back early. (I'm trying to be understanding and let him do his own thing so he doesn't feel suffocated.) He said he would be back around 10:30. Well at 10:30 he called and said that he would be a little late. I told him to hurry so that I didn't get too tired before he come home. He said he would. After we hung up I texted him telling him to please come home now because I really wanted to see him and spend time together. He said he was copying his friends notes from the class he missed. I went to sleep. Johnny arrived home at 3am. I'm upset of course. I'm crying because I feel like he doesn't want to be with me. Why should I have to beg for him to spend time with me? I told him that I feel like he doesn't care what I want or say. He said he feels the same about me and that I never listen to him or care what he is going through. I just can't believe he thinks that. I'm sacrificing so much for him and I'm trying to be so understanding but I need him to meet me halfway. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Book Review

I just finished reading "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. It's my bookclub's pick for February so we can go to the movie instead of have a formal meeting. I was not really impressed. The book goes through many examples of excuses that men use which in the end mean that they just aren't into the woman. I agreed with some of the advice in the book but I also couldn't help but feeling like the author was making this out to be The Bible of relationship advice. Sometimes I don't think things are as clean cut as the book implies. For instance, Greg talks about the excuse of a guy being too shy to ask a girl out as really meaning that "he's just not that into you". I don't agree with this. I think being shy is a legitimate reason for not asking a girl out. Men are just as much afraid of rejection as women are. My background in science tells me that there are just too many variables to consider. Not all men are the same so this set of rules isn't going to work for all relationships. I think it is best to take the book with a grain of salt and use it as a guide only. I'm interested to know what other people thought of the book and it's advice.

Check-in Monday

Annoying!!! Monday is the day that I weight myself to see how I'm doing on my weight loss goals. The last 2 Mondays the scale has not budged!!! I know what I'm doing wrong. I need to get my eating under control. I've been really good at exercising. I get an hour of cardio in 6 days a week and since January 1 I have only missed 4 days. The problem is that since I'm exercising more my body is physically hungrier than it used to be so I feel the urge to eat more. I should fight this urge so that I have a deficit of calories everyday but I've been giving in. Plus, I live with a man who likes to eat bad things and since he's eating it then it makes it really hard for me to say no. So this week I'm going to concentrate really hard on 2 things. One, keeping my snacks healthy, limiting my eating to 3 meals and 2 snacks and keeping my portions small. And two, not eating what Johnny eats. (I think that was more than 2 things but whatever.)
That scale is going to go down damnit!!!

TGIF!

I'm so glad it is Friday! But then again am I ever not glad that it is Friday?! NOPE! I am so bored at work right now. I just have no ambition to do anything! Ok who am I kidding? I never want to do anything at work. But today is especially bad. I want to go home and relax and do something really fun.

I had one of those internal struggles today at lunch. I'm trying really hard to lose weight before my trip to Jamaica in March. So I've been eating healthy and working out everyday and it actually feels really good. And even though I haven't lost much weight yet I can definitely feel my body changing. I feel more toned and healthier. Today for lunch I brought the ingredients for a Southwestern Salad which is really good but I've been eating it for 4 days straight now and it really didn't sound good to me at noon today. I really wanted to go to the cafeteria and get something really tasty but really bad for me. The angel on my shoulder was telling me to eat my salad to not only maintain the healthy diet but to save money. The devil on my shoulder was coming up with many ways to justify going to the fat-loaded cafeteria. I was at the point where I would rather not eat than eat the salad. But my willpower worked this time! I ate the salad and I feel good about that. I know I would have felt guilty and regretted getting the Bacon Cheeseburger and Waffle Fries but they would have tasted good in the moment.

Happy Inauguration Day!

What a momentous day! I get goosebumps just thinking about how today will be remembered forever in history! And it's so crazy to think that I was alive for it and was able to watch it happen. I'm so proud of our country for electing Barack as the 44th president. He brings so much hope and inspiration to the position. I can't wait to see what he does in the next 4 years. I'm just so excited!!!

I also must say something about Former President Bush (doesn't that sounds awesome!). I feel sort of bad for him. He must feel like shit for leaving our country in the state it is in. But I can respect him a little since only 44 people in the entire world know what it is like to sit in the Oval Office chair and make decisions for the USA.

We are on the path to making our country a better place to live.
HAPPY INAUGURATION DAY!!!

And then...

Johnny calls me at work and is so nice and sweet and acts like the guy I fell in love with. This makes it very hard to be mad at him and want out of our relationship. GRRRR

Love hurts...

Johnny and I got in a huge fight on Thursday night. It started with me getting upset that he was yet again going out with friends and staying out until really late at night. I had hardly seen him in the last couple days and it makes me feel like he doesn't care if we see each other or not. So when I got upset abut that he started to get defensive and upset with me. Well words were said and we didn't speak to each other the rest of the night and the next morning. At work on Friday I emailed me him a super long email about my feelings and what I had been observing in the relationship. He responded and apologized for his behavior and the things he said. He told me that he loved me so much and didn't want to lose me but that he is going through so many stressful things right now. I didn't see him all weekend until Sunday night because he didn't want to come see me since it's obviously more fun to hang out with his friends. I was a miserable wreck all weekend because I felt like our relationship was unraveling. I felt like there was nothing I could do to fix it and make it better. I felt how I did when things fell apart with my ex 2 years ago. I felt a little abandoned. So last night Johnny and I hung out but we didn't talk about the fight or anything. I didn't want to bring it up because we were having a good time and I don't want to seem like we always have to be talking about that. I really need to bring it up tonight though. And I need to ask him, "Do you have what it takes to make this work?", "Do you want to put the effort in?". I'm really close to being at the end of my rope. I can't keep giving 200% and getting about 30% back from him. I understand that he is going through some really difficult things right now but that doesn't mean that he can be lazy in our relationship. To me that says that he doesn't really want to be in it. I hate that I'm back at the same place in a relationship with someone totally different. Why don't I deserve to find someone who doesn't have major emotional issues and is able to love me the way I want to be loved?