Kids say the darndest things!

So I was babysitting last night. I love babysitting because it gives me a chance to be a big kid every now and then while earning a little extra cash! This family is one I've known for 4 years and at one point I was their full-time summer nanny. JB is the youngest. He and his two older sisters are fascinated with the fact that I have a boyfriend and are always asking me about it. When they were a little younger they used to say to me with big, scared eyes "You know if you marry a boy you have to kiss him!?!" Like that is the worst and grossest thing in the world. Last night as I was putting JB to bed he started asking me questions about Joe.
JB: How old is your boyfriend?
Me: 28
JB: How old are you?
Me: 24
JB: Wow, he is a lot older than you. Are you probably going to marry him?
Me: Probably.
JB: Are you like big time girlfriend and boyfriend?
Me: Yes I think we are big time.
How can you not chuckle at that!? I love seeing things through a child's eyes because it makes the world seem a little less serious. I can always count on JB to make me smile.

Being Nice

So I have decided that I think I would benefit from being a little nicer to everyone around me. Especially to my boyfriend, Johnny. I mean he is the one person that I care most about in the world. But when does being nice turn into totally annoying? When does it turn in to being fake? Or letting people walk all over you? Or being untrue to yourself? In the last 12 hours I have been doing things for Johnny that a couple days ago I probably would have made a snide comment if he had asked me to do it for him. I've been going out of my way to do nice things for him and I can't help but wonder what he is thinking about all of this. Like "Wow, she is being really nice but is a two headed monster going to show up soon?" Or, "Does she really think that her being this nice is fooling me?" Or, "She couldn't have changed overnight." Plus I'm really afraid that Johnny might take it for granted or not be appreciative of me or start to walk all over me. I guess it will just take some time to find a balance between being kind and staying true to myself. I for sure have to let all the snide comments go. If I feel like there is something that I shouldn't be doing then I can speak up but in a tactful and kind way. We'll see how this goes and I will definitely document my progress on here.

3-legged races

At some point you realize that your best isn't good enough. Or maybe you were fooling yourself all along into thinking that the effort you were putting forth really was your best but in reality it wasn't. I'm so worried about being fair. I'm so worried about making sure that Johnny and I are meeting exactly in the middle. Maybe that's an unfair expectation. Maybe instead meeting in the exact middle is an average you strive for over an entire lifetime not at every single moment of every single day. Sometimes I'll be giving 70% when he is giving 30%. But at other times I'll be giving 10% when he is giving 90%. That should be what relationships are about. When your partner can't give their all, you pick up the slack because you know that person would do the same for you. How do you learn to do that? How do you learn to work together like partners in a three-legged race instead of as opponents in tug-o-war? Does it work to sit down and say "This is you and me together. If I fail we both fail. We have to be working together, not against each other. We both have to want what's best for the other person and put forth every effort to acheive that goal." If we both can't agree to that then is all lost?

Why do relationships seem to come naturally to some people? I struggle with them! Does everyone struggle and we just don't know about it? Why can't it come easy sometimes? I'd like to think that I'm putting in my dues now so that later in life the relationship will be very easy.

Losing control

Am I stupid? Do I live in a dream world? Yesterday on the plane ride home all I could think about was how much I love Johnny and how much I want to be with him forever. I want to marry him and work towards a good life together. I want his problems to be mine and vice versa. And then I come home to him talking about how unhappy he is and how much I contribute to him being depressed. Talk about a ton of bricks. Everything he said is true. Although I try to be supportive and understanding I actually am just a huge selfish bitch. I'm a control freak and I'm only happy if things go exactly my way.

We are never going to make it if we can't learn to work together as a team. I think we both are so selfish and we only think of ourselves when we make decisions. Even though I like to pretend that I'm so much better than that and that I think of "us" when I make decisions, I don't. I think about me and how I can be in control.

I just want to cry, lay in bed in the dark and cry for 3 days. Maybe that's what I'll do this weekend.

Food: Friend AND Foe

No wonder I'm so fat. Food has become my best friend. Something that I can always count on to be there when I need it. It always tastes good and makes me feel better. I can't really say that about any of my people friends.

The relationship between Johnny and I is in shambles. He is depressed and I am making it worse. I'm depressed because I can't seem to do anything right. What makes him happy and what makes me happy are not the same things. I feel like I could burst out in tears at any second. Why do I always mess things up? I let the good guys get away because I don't have feelings for them and then I sabotage the relationships with the guys that I really love. I'm a freak. I have to be so in control of everything that I drive people away. That's probably why I don't have any real friends.

I feel like giving up on everything. I want someone to take care of me.

Lost...

I don't know what to do. Johnny is so stressed out and depressed because he can't find a job and he has very little money. He is saying that he is going to go live with his mom for awhile because that will pressure him into finding a job sooner. He feels pressure from me and his BM (baby mom) to contribute monetarily. I get so upset when he spends his money on frivolous things when I am struggling to stay on my budget and pay my credit cards off. I don't understand where he thinks this relationship is. He doesn't think we live together and doesn't want to. He doesn't want my help with anything. He doesn't take my advice that I give him. I'm getting so depressed about it. He is always staying up late and coming to bed at 3 am unless we have sex which makes me feel like I only matter to him as a sex partner. Last night when he came to bed he was all cuddly with me and it was so sweet and then I realize that it's probably only because he wants sex. I hate that feeling. Maybe it will be good if he goes and lives with his mom for awhile. Maybe the week that I'm housesitting will be good for us to be apart. I don't think he is trying as hard as he can. He's putting abot 70% effort into finding a job and saving his money. He thinks he is giving 100% but I can list about 10 things he could be doing that he isn't. I'm afraid that he is going to go to some other girl. One who he can escape with and forget his problems. One who he has no responsibilities to and doesn't pressure him about a job and money. I just want to shut down and crawl in a hole. I feel lost. Everything is out of control and slipping away from me. The more I grasp at it the farther away it goes.