I was reading an article today about secrets that men have. The last secret was "If you give a man an inch, he'll love you for a lifetime" and it struck a chord with me. One of Johnny's complaints about our relationship is that he feels smothered sometimes. I admit that this is probably true. I've been struggling lately with having confidence in our relationship and I feel like any little thing that goes wrong makes me extremely paranoid. I don't know how to stop this behavior but I've been trying really hard to not let things get to me so much and if they do to talk myself down from it.
The quote I liked was "If you let us be dumb guys, if you embrace our stupid poker night, if you encourage us to go surfing -- by ourselves -- our silly little hearts, with their manly warts and all, will embrace you forever for it." I think giving a guy an inch might make him love you for a lifetime but why do I constantly think, "if I give Johnny an inch, he's going to take a mile." Is there a balance? I'm scared that if I give him to much space he will run with it and not want to be with me. Then I think, well if that is true then let him run. I should find out now if he's going to run rather than in 10 years.
Sometimes I think I make this whole relationship thing harder than it needs to be. I'm going to continue to try not to be paranoid and give Johnny more space. After all, absence makes the heart grow stronger.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Kids :-)
Whoa! I definitely had my fill of kids this weekend and realized that I'm definitely not ready for kids. I guess I already knew this but this weekend helped enforce the idea.
I babysat my cousin's kids for her on Friday night. My cousin and her husband went out with friends and spent the night there so I had the kids, E and D, overnight and part of the morning. E got a Nintendo DS for Christmas and guess who is obsessed with it now? ME!!! I played the game Cooking Mama for probably about 7 hours total. It's so fun! I almost bought one the next day but refrained for financial reasons and the fact that I really don't need that taking up my time.
The funniest thing ever was being informed that D's (a 4 year old boy) favorite movie is "Barbie's 12 Dancing Princesses". He even does ballet dances to the music and pretends that he is Genevieve, the starring role.
I brought my laundry with so I could do it after the kids went to bed. Well little did I realize that I had a ton to do and it took me 6 hours!!! I ended up going to bed at 3 am. Then of course E and D woke me up at 7 am and would not allow me to go back to sleep. The thought that ran through my head when I opened my eyes to see their adorable faces staring at me? "I'm never having kids."
The next day my cousin and I took the kids to the mall which has a theme park inside. The kids went on a few rides and then we headed home. It was so much fun to see their faces light up and watch them get so excited about the rides. I love them!
Then on Saturday night Johnny and I had his twin 7-year old sons for the night. We usually have them every Saturday night and Sunday. We played games and watched movies with them. Johnny and I stayed up late watching our favorite show (How I Met Your Mother) which we rented the seasons of and have been watching like crazy! We didn't go to sleep until about 2:30 and the boys woke us up about 8:30. We had breakfast and then the boys and I decorated Easter eggs!!! I hadn't done that in years so it was really fun. They were so proud of the eggs they decorated :-)
The boys went back to their Mom's around 4 and I crashed!!! I was so exhausted from the lack of sleep and the running around with kids. It was fun but I definitely like my kid-free life ;-)
I babysat my cousin's kids for her on Friday night. My cousin and her husband went out with friends and spent the night there so I had the kids, E and D, overnight and part of the morning. E got a Nintendo DS for Christmas and guess who is obsessed with it now? ME!!! I played the game Cooking Mama for probably about 7 hours total. It's so fun! I almost bought one the next day but refrained for financial reasons and the fact that I really don't need that taking up my time.
The funniest thing ever was being informed that D's (a 4 year old boy) favorite movie is "Barbie's 12 Dancing Princesses". He even does ballet dances to the music and pretends that he is Genevieve, the starring role.
I brought my laundry with so I could do it after the kids went to bed. Well little did I realize that I had a ton to do and it took me 6 hours!!! I ended up going to bed at 3 am. Then of course E and D woke me up at 7 am and would not allow me to go back to sleep. The thought that ran through my head when I opened my eyes to see their adorable faces staring at me? "I'm never having kids."
The next day my cousin and I took the kids to the mall which has a theme park inside. The kids went on a few rides and then we headed home. It was so much fun to see their faces light up and watch them get so excited about the rides. I love them!
Then on Saturday night Johnny and I had his twin 7-year old sons for the night. We usually have them every Saturday night and Sunday. We played games and watched movies with them. Johnny and I stayed up late watching our favorite show (How I Met Your Mother) which we rented the seasons of and have been watching like crazy! We didn't go to sleep until about 2:30 and the boys woke us up about 8:30. We had breakfast and then the boys and I decorated Easter eggs!!! I hadn't done that in years so it was really fun. They were so proud of the eggs they decorated :-)
The boys went back to their Mom's around 4 and I crashed!!! I was so exhausted from the lack of sleep and the running around with kids. It was fun but I definitely like my kid-free life ;-)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Drama of Love
First of all, I really appreciate all the comments I’ve gotten. It really helps to hear that other bloggers have been through this and what your thoughts are on the subject. The comments really do help me think about what options I have and what will be best for me.
Johnny and I didn’t break up. (please don’t hate me!) When it comes down to it there are just so many things that I love about him that I wasn’t ready to throw all that away because of a few negative things.
I don’t know what’s in store for Johnny and me. I do know that I didn’t come out of our conversation the other night feeling like everything is going to be perfect because of one conversation. Usually that’s my attitude the next day but this time I felt different. I know Johnny will never change just because I want him to. I’m not perfect either and I know that I’ve contributed to where our relationship has gotten. I know we’re going to have lots more bumps and maybe it will never work but what if there is something salvageable still? I want to fight for it.
I was in a 7 year relationship that ended 2 years ago. It should have ended about 6 years prior to that but it was first love for both of us and it got comfortable. That is hard to quit. At the end of the relationship I thought I still loved him but I could never say why. I couldn’t give one reason or think of one quality that I loved. I know now that I was afraid to be alone and I honestly thought that I would never find anyone who would love me. It’s different with Johnny. I know why I love him and I’m not afraid to be alone. I also know that there are lots of guys out there that I could probably have a great relationship with. I did eventually break it off with my ex but it was really hard and it took me a long time to be able to do it.
Maybe I’m being totally stupid and there’s nothing I can do to save Johnny and I. Maybe I’m just prolonging the inevitable and making it hurt worse than it needs to. I tend to only talk about the bad times but there are tons more good times and that gives me a little hope. I need to be a little more confident in what Johnny and I have and the love and passion that makes up our relationship. Johnny also needs to do his part to let me into his heart and consider my feelings when he makes decisions.
Uggggggg! ;-)
Johnny and I didn’t break up. (please don’t hate me!) When it comes down to it there are just so many things that I love about him that I wasn’t ready to throw all that away because of a few negative things.
I don’t know what’s in store for Johnny and me. I do know that I didn’t come out of our conversation the other night feeling like everything is going to be perfect because of one conversation. Usually that’s my attitude the next day but this time I felt different. I know Johnny will never change just because I want him to. I’m not perfect either and I know that I’ve contributed to where our relationship has gotten. I know we’re going to have lots more bumps and maybe it will never work but what if there is something salvageable still? I want to fight for it.
I was in a 7 year relationship that ended 2 years ago. It should have ended about 6 years prior to that but it was first love for both of us and it got comfortable. That is hard to quit. At the end of the relationship I thought I still loved him but I could never say why. I couldn’t give one reason or think of one quality that I loved. I know now that I was afraid to be alone and I honestly thought that I would never find anyone who would love me. It’s different with Johnny. I know why I love him and I’m not afraid to be alone. I also know that there are lots of guys out there that I could probably have a great relationship with. I did eventually break it off with my ex but it was really hard and it took me a long time to be able to do it.
Maybe I’m being totally stupid and there’s nothing I can do to save Johnny and I. Maybe I’m just prolonging the inevitable and making it hurt worse than it needs to. I tend to only talk about the bad times but there are tons more good times and that gives me a little hope. I need to be a little more confident in what Johnny and I have and the love and passion that makes up our relationship. Johnny also needs to do his part to let me into his heart and consider my feelings when he makes decisions.
Uggggggg! ;-)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
There will be no love like Johnny and June.
I'm done being sorry for wanting what I want. I want what I want and I'm not going to pretend that I'm ok not having it. I just wish Johnny could be what I want. But people don't change unless they really want to. Johnny went out again last night and had the balls to tell me that he spend all weekend with me and I still am not satisfied. He also told me that since he is turning 30 in a year that he needs to party a lot until then and he isn't going to explain himself anymore. He also said that I just want to control him and act like his mom. Oh and the best part was that he said I ruined his night last night by basically breathing. Well I'm pissed. I deserve better than this. I'm tired of being a chore to Johnny. So tonight we are going to have a talk and I'm basically going to tell him that I can't do this anymore. I'm super sad that I'm going to lose him but I'm not happy in our relationship. I just hope I can go through with it. Not only tonight but in the next few days, weeks and months. I've been through this before 2 years ago with my boyfriend of 7 years and if he hadn't pretty much abandoned me, I would probably still be with him. I have a tendency to get lonely and go back to these guys. I'm always afraid that I will never find anyone else. But I have to have faith. I spent most of last night crying while watching the Sex and the City movie. I like to watch chick flicks and listen to sad songs when I'm sad. Someone is going to love me for that and someone is going to want to spend time with me. It won't be a chore for him.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Spring Cleaning!
I totally have the spring cleaning bug :-) I have the urge to leave work right now pretending to be ill to go home and start cleaning my apartment. Since Johnny and I started living together the apartment has become very cluttered with our (his) things. It's been driving me crazy for a long time. It's a little overwhelming and I don't know where to start. In addition to my need to de-clutter I want to redecorate the living room.
So I've been reading articles about organizing and de-cluttering all morning ( I do actually work sometimes but not today!). I think I'm ready to really take a stab and organizing our apartment. I'm just going to try to do a little each day so I don't get too overwhelmed. Once I get everything organized I can start to redecorate which is the funnest (word?) part! Currently I have way too much furniture in my small living room. In the organizing process I hope to get rid of a few items. Seating space is always an issue. We have a couch and a love seat right now but I'm thinking of getting a couch and an over-sized chair and a smaller accent chair. Since the living room is small the couch and love seat don't fit too well so I think breaking the love seat into 2 chairs will help with that. Here are some of the things I really like:
Now, if only I had all the money in the world! But unfortunately I will be on a very tight budget during the redecorating process. I love challenges though and I think the items will be more meaningful if I have to hunt for bargains :-)
So does anyone have any suggestions for de-cluttering/organizing and bargain hunting for furniture?
So I've been reading articles about organizing and de-cluttering all morning ( I do actually work sometimes but not today!). I think I'm ready to really take a stab and organizing our apartment. I'm just going to try to do a little each day so I don't get too overwhelmed. Once I get everything organized I can start to redecorate which is the funnest (word?) part! Currently I have way too much furniture in my small living room. In the organizing process I hope to get rid of a few items. Seating space is always an issue. We have a couch and a love seat right now but I'm thinking of getting a couch and an over-sized chair and a smaller accent chair. Since the living room is small the couch and love seat don't fit too well so I think breaking the love seat into 2 chairs will help with that. Here are some of the things I really like:
Now, if only I had all the money in the world! But unfortunately I will be on a very tight budget during the redecorating process. I love challenges though and I think the items will be more meaningful if I have to hunt for bargains :-)
So does anyone have any suggestions for de-cluttering/organizing and bargain hunting for furniture?
Friday, March 20, 2009
It's Friday!!! YAY!!
I'm so glad that it's Friday....this week went fast but it was stressful. It was my best friend's birthday yesterday. We went out for a couple drinks but tonight is when the real party is happening and boy do we know how to party! I'm super excited to go out because of my self-appointed hermit status this winter. Now that it is getting nicer out I can enjoy going out again! This also means that I'm sick of my drabby winter clothes so I'm going shopping over lunch to find a cute new top to go with my cute new shoes!
Have a great weekend!
Have a great weekend!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Happy Thursday!
After the weekend from hell with Johnny we've had a really great couple of days! I've been a lot more willing to go out and have some fun on a weeknight. During the winter I tend to get a little hermit-ish because of the cold. So this week I made a point to say "yes" to going out. We went out for St Patty's Day with a friend of ours and had a great time drinking some green beer.
Yesterday Johnny called me at work and asked what I had planned for last night. I told him nothing and that I was probably just going to relax and watch TV. He then said well "I want to hang out with you if you want to do something". I almost cried because when we were fighting on Sunday one of my complaints was that I felt like I was always the one planning stuff for us to do and asking him if he wanted to spend time together. I think he was trying to make an effort yesterday to show me that he wants to spend time with me and he will start asking more.
Last night Johnny and I went out alone and played pool and darts while we drank some cheap beer. It was like an actual date and we had a ton of fun! We were flirting with each other and laughing just like we used to. Now I'm not so naive that I think a couple good days mean all of our problems are solved. I know they aren't but it's a step in the right direction I think.
Yesterday Johnny called me at work and asked what I had planned for last night. I told him nothing and that I was probably just going to relax and watch TV. He then said well "I want to hang out with you if you want to do something". I almost cried because when we were fighting on Sunday one of my complaints was that I felt like I was always the one planning stuff for us to do and asking him if he wanted to spend time together. I think he was trying to make an effort yesterday to show me that he wants to spend time with me and he will start asking more.
Last night Johnny and I went out alone and played pool and darts while we drank some cheap beer. It was like an actual date and we had a ton of fun! We were flirting with each other and laughing just like we used to. Now I'm not so naive that I think a couple good days mean all of our problems are solved. I know they aren't but it's a step in the right direction I think.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
New levels of Paranoia!
Wow... I really need to get a hold of myself sometimes. Johnny and I have been having some issues lately. I know that we are both at fault and that we both can be a little selfish sometimes. I often wonder what the difference is between a gut instinct and sheer paranoia. Well yesterday I discovered it.
I got home from work and Johnny had already left for his night class. I was putting away the clean dishes in the kitchen and I noticed that Johnny had taken the garbage out. My first instinct was "oh, that was nice of him to do that without me asking." And then my next thought was "Why did he take it out without me asking? Was there something in there that he didn't want me to see? Something that would prove he is cheating on me?!?!"
HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT?! I have absolutely no evidence that he is cheating on me besides the fact that he has been partying a little more than usual lately. Otherwise he has still been sweet to me and he tells me he loves me more than anything and wants to be with me forever. But for some reason I have been obsessively thinking that he is seeing someone else. Anytime he is late or doesn't call when he said he would my mind automatically goes there and I'm beginning to think it is paranoia and paranoia only! Especially after my thoughts last night....
So I gave myself a little pep talk about how ridiculous I was being and how I was letting my irrational thoughts get to me. Now I know that I'm definitely not helping our situation with thoughts like that so I've decided to try a few things this week to make our relationship a little better.
1. Focus on the positive things and not the negative. I think this is self-explanatory but I'm going to try to put the majority of my focus on the positive things that Johnny does. Lately I feel like I only notice and comment on the negative things that happen. That is only going to make both of us feel depressed so this week I'm going to concentrate on a glass half full :-D
2. Be a "yes" woman. I think I've gotten a little boring over the last year. Now I blame it on it being winter and trying to save money but I just haven't gone out and had fun like I used to do. I say "no" most of the times that Johnny asks me to go out. No one wants to date a Boring Betty. So this week I'm going to try really hard to say "yes" to more fun things when Johnny asks.
3. I'm going to make an effort to not dislike Johnny's friends. I think they are really immature and I'm afraid of the affect they have on Johnny. But I expect him to get a long with my friends and be pleasant when we hang out with them so I should do the same.
We'll see how this goes!
I got home from work and Johnny had already left for his night class. I was putting away the clean dishes in the kitchen and I noticed that Johnny had taken the garbage out. My first instinct was "oh, that was nice of him to do that without me asking." And then my next thought was "Why did he take it out without me asking? Was there something in there that he didn't want me to see? Something that would prove he is cheating on me?!?!"
HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT?! I have absolutely no evidence that he is cheating on me besides the fact that he has been partying a little more than usual lately. Otherwise he has still been sweet to me and he tells me he loves me more than anything and wants to be with me forever. But for some reason I have been obsessively thinking that he is seeing someone else. Anytime he is late or doesn't call when he said he would my mind automatically goes there and I'm beginning to think it is paranoia and paranoia only! Especially after my thoughts last night....
So I gave myself a little pep talk about how ridiculous I was being and how I was letting my irrational thoughts get to me. Now I know that I'm definitely not helping our situation with thoughts like that so I've decided to try a few things this week to make our relationship a little better.
1. Focus on the positive things and not the negative. I think this is self-explanatory but I'm going to try to put the majority of my focus on the positive things that Johnny does. Lately I feel like I only notice and comment on the negative things that happen. That is only going to make both of us feel depressed so this week I'm going to concentrate on a glass half full :-D
2. Be a "yes" woman. I think I've gotten a little boring over the last year. Now I blame it on it being winter and trying to save money but I just haven't gone out and had fun like I used to do. I say "no" most of the times that Johnny asks me to go out. No one wants to date a Boring Betty. So this week I'm going to try really hard to say "yes" to more fun things when Johnny asks.
3. I'm going to make an effort to not dislike Johnny's friends. I think they are really immature and I'm afraid of the affect they have on Johnny. But I expect him to get a long with my friends and be pleasant when we hang out with them so I should do the same.
We'll see how this goes!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Should I stay or should I go?
I'm sitting at a coffee shop drinking a bubble tea, listening to sad songs and reading blogs. I'm so down about Johnny and I today. I just got home 4 days ago from a week of not seeing him and we have spent only 2 nights together and I feel like that was a chore for him. He didn't come home from partying Friday night until 5 pm on Saturday and then last night he didn't come home either until about noon today. I couldn't get a hold of him at all between 8 am and noon. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to date someone like this anymore. I spent most of the morning crying and watching the Sex and the City movie which I always watch when I'm sad about my relationship. Now, listening to sad songs is somehow making me feel better. Like someone out there is feeling the same things I am and was able to put it into words in a great song :-) I don't think Johnny cares about my feelings at all. Yesterday he apologized for disappearing on Friday night/Saturday morning but then he does the same thing last night and today. I'm so confused because he talks about how much he loves me and how he wants to marry me someday but then his actions seem to say that I come last to everything else in his life. I just can't deal with it anymore. I want to run away and never see him again. I wish some guy would write a book on why guys say one thing but do another!
How do I work up the courage to break things off? I hate even mentioning that but I'm not happy anymore. I'm faced with an impossible decision, break up with him and be miserable or stay and be miserable. Either way I don't get what I want.
How do I work up the courage to break things off? I hate even mentioning that but I'm not happy anymore. I'm faced with an impossible decision, break up with him and be miserable or stay and be miserable. Either way I don't get what I want.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
My first award!!!
I just got back from my vacation in Jamaica which was fabulous by the way!! (I'll write more on that later.) But what a great surprise to see that I had gotten my first bloggie award :-D So here it is:
I received it from A NYC Housewife-In-Training who has a fabulous blog that I have to check out every day!!
Along with the award I have to write 10 un-cute things about myself. I don't really like to admit to these things but here goes:
1. I still have to plug my nose when I jump into water.
2. I'm super nosy and have this uncontrollable urge to know everything about everyone. Sometimes this makes me snoop into things I shouldn't.
3. I get really emotional when I've had to much to drink.
4. I'm a control freak and I don't like when things aren't done MY way.
5. I eat really fast. I get teased about it a lot.
6. My workout clothes-I really should invest in cuter ones.
7. I slurp ice cream and soup really loudly.
8. Sometimes if I have nothing to wear I pull something out of the dirty clothes basket. I always do a smell-check first though!!!
9. My car-it's a 1997 Green Ford Taurus with green exterior. I desperately want a new one.
10. I had horrible buck teeth until 5th grade.
I pass this award along to:
Where the Green Grass Grows
Leaving and Loving on a Jetplane
Confessions Of A Overweight Shopaholic
When In Rome
Working Girl
Kristen's Place
These are some of my faves that I have to read everyday!!! Check them out :-)
Thanks again a H.I.T!! You really made my day :-)
I received it from A NYC Housewife-In-Training who has a fabulous blog that I have to check out every day!!
Along with the award I have to write 10 un-cute things about myself. I don't really like to admit to these things but here goes:
1. I still have to plug my nose when I jump into water.
2. I'm super nosy and have this uncontrollable urge to know everything about everyone. Sometimes this makes me snoop into things I shouldn't.
3. I get really emotional when I've had to much to drink.
4. I'm a control freak and I don't like when things aren't done MY way.
5. I eat really fast. I get teased about it a lot.
6. My workout clothes-I really should invest in cuter ones.
7. I slurp ice cream and soup really loudly.
8. Sometimes if I have nothing to wear I pull something out of the dirty clothes basket. I always do a smell-check first though!!!
9. My car-it's a 1997 Green Ford Taurus with green exterior. I desperately want a new one.
10. I had horrible buck teeth until 5th grade.
I pass this award along to:
Where the Green Grass Grows
Leaving and Loving on a Jetplane
Confessions Of A Overweight Shopaholic
When In Rome
Working Girl
Kristen's Place
These are some of my faves that I have to read everyday!!! Check them out :-)
Thanks again a H.I.T!! You really made my day :-)
Monday, March 2, 2009
Vacation here I come!
I leave for my Jamaican Vacation in less than 2 days!!!
I'm working 10 hours today and tomorrow so that I don't have to use so much PTO. It was so hard to get up at 5:45 this morning...UGG! 10 hours feels like an eternity when you are used to working only 8. I need these 2 days to pass quickly or I may go a little insane!!
I really don't feel like working because I'm too excited for this much needed break from life but I've decided that working and getting things done will actually help the time pass faster. Let's hope that proves to be true anyway!
I have so much to do in the next 2 days before I leave - pack, mani/pedi, download music onto ipod, return library books, Target, bank....! I (of course) left everything until the last minute and then the last week has been so busy that I haven't had time to do much preparation.
I don't feel as excited as I should be though. I think part of it is that Johnny isn't going so I'm really going to miss him. I'm also a little afraid of what he is going to be doing while I'm gone but I just keep telling myself how much he loves me and how much I trust him. Worrying won't help anything so I'm trying really hard not to. I think the time apart will actually be good for us and maybe really good for me because I'm not going to be able to know what he's doing at all times. We won't even really be able to talk because my cell phone doesn't work internationally. Maybe this will help me learn to live without having control of the situation. We'll see :-)
I'm working 10 hours today and tomorrow so that I don't have to use so much PTO. It was so hard to get up at 5:45 this morning...UGG! 10 hours feels like an eternity when you are used to working only 8. I need these 2 days to pass quickly or I may go a little insane!!
I really don't feel like working because I'm too excited for this much needed break from life but I've decided that working and getting things done will actually help the time pass faster. Let's hope that proves to be true anyway!
I have so much to do in the next 2 days before I leave - pack, mani/pedi, download music onto ipod, return library books, Target, bank....! I (of course) left everything until the last minute and then the last week has been so busy that I haven't had time to do much preparation.
I don't feel as excited as I should be though. I think part of it is that Johnny isn't going so I'm really going to miss him. I'm also a little afraid of what he is going to be doing while I'm gone but I just keep telling myself how much he loves me and how much I trust him. Worrying won't help anything so I'm trying really hard not to. I think the time apart will actually be good for us and maybe really good for me because I'm not going to be able to know what he's doing at all times. We won't even really be able to talk because my cell phone doesn't work internationally. Maybe this will help me learn to live without having control of the situation. We'll see :-)
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