It's snowing here! Which isn't unusual for February in Minnesota. I'm at work in an office with no window so usually I'm blissfully (if the weather is bad, disdainfully if it's good) unaware of what mother nature is doing. Today, since I knew snow was in the forecast, I took a walk down to the 3rd floor conference room which has a great view and was shocked that all I could see was white!!!
"EEK!" said my co-worker. "I'm leaving."
It's takes a pretty big amount of snow to make a Minnesotan feel the need to leave work in the middle of the day which proves the fact that it's dumping on us like no other!
I'm gonna stick it out only because I have vacation coming next week and I can't afford to use my precious PTO. It is probably going to be a really long commute home tonight though...ICK!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Congrats!
OMG! I did it! I can't believe it but I did :-) I went a whole week without eating carbs!!! (I still ate fruit and yogurt but no bread, pasta or rice!) I'm gearing up for my trip to Jamaica next Wednesday and since I had gained almost 30 pounds since July 2007 and needed to lose some of it, Jamaica was the perfect motivator. I had a goal of losing 19 pounds from Jan 1, 2009 to Mar 4, 2009 (leave for Jamaica) and I have currently lost 14 pounds. I probably won't be able to lose 5 pounds in 1 week but hopefully I can lose another 3 since that is what I've been averaging each week. The weight loss has been hard but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I feel so much healthier too not just physically but emotionally as well. I've gotten back into my routine of exercising 6 days a week which feels amazing! The one thing I'm worried about is getting out of that routine while on vacation. I'm going to try to do some sort of exercise everyday (walking, swimming) but it definitely won't be the rigorous gym workout that I'm used to. I'm going to have to really focus on getting back into that routine once I return. I've come this far though and I'm not going to let myself gain that weight back. I told myself that 2009 was the last year that I would feel fat. After I lose the weight I put on I'm really going to focus on maintaining that weight and eating healthier.
WOO HOO!
WOO HOO!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
"I was trying to think of something"
I love Johnny but he can be such a typical guy. Which is a good thing I guess but every once in awhile I need him to be a little more sensitive than what comes naturally to him.
I had my annual lady exam last week and my doctor left a message for me this morning to tell me that my pap was mildly abnormal. I've never had anything like this happen to me. Actually I've never really had any problems or illnesses besides the typical colds. So I'm a little freaked out. I have to have a colposcopy which is when the doctor looks at your cervix with a microscope and possible takes a biopsy of tissue if things don't look good. My doctor didn't think it was anything to worry about and she didn't even think I needed to rush to have this procedure done. "Just in the next 6-8 weeks" she said. Well the procedure is scheduled for Friday, March 13 (kinda unlucky huh?).
When I told Johnny about it he was just silent. I told him that I was kinda freaked out about it and here is how our conversation went:
June: I'm a little freaked out about it.
Silence
More Silence
June: This is when you are supposed to say something comforting.
Johnny: I was trying to think of something.
June: How about 'It'll be fine.' Or 'I'm sure it's nothing. Don't worry baby.'
Johnny: Well yeah, I'm sure it's fine. You said your doctor didn't sound worried.
June: Well that is what doctors are supposed to do. They don't want to get you all freaked out before they know for sure what is going on.
Silence
More Silence
Even More Silence
June: Ok well I've gotta get back to work.
Johnny: Ok, I'll talk to you later.
Wow! Good thing I have friends!!! At least my best girlfriend was able to comfort me since she knows two women who have had this done in the last 4 months. I guess I can give Johnny a pass on this one since he is uber-queasy about female issues.
I had my annual lady exam last week and my doctor left a message for me this morning to tell me that my pap was mildly abnormal. I've never had anything like this happen to me. Actually I've never really had any problems or illnesses besides the typical colds. So I'm a little freaked out. I have to have a colposcopy which is when the doctor looks at your cervix with a microscope and possible takes a biopsy of tissue if things don't look good. My doctor didn't think it was anything to worry about and she didn't even think I needed to rush to have this procedure done. "Just in the next 6-8 weeks" she said. Well the procedure is scheduled for Friday, March 13 (kinda unlucky huh?).
When I told Johnny about it he was just silent. I told him that I was kinda freaked out about it and here is how our conversation went:
June: I'm a little freaked out about it.
Silence
More Silence
June: This is when you are supposed to say something comforting.
Johnny: I was trying to think of something.
June: How about 'It'll be fine.' Or 'I'm sure it's nothing. Don't worry baby.'
Johnny: Well yeah, I'm sure it's fine. You said your doctor didn't sound worried.
June: Well that is what doctors are supposed to do. They don't want to get you all freaked out before they know for sure what is going on.
Silence
More Silence
Even More Silence
June: Ok well I've gotta get back to work.
Johnny: Ok, I'll talk to you later.
Wow! Good thing I have friends!!! At least my best girlfriend was able to comfort me since she knows two women who have had this done in the last 4 months. I guess I can give Johnny a pass on this one since he is uber-queasy about female issues.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Waiting on my man....
It's Friday! This week flew by which I'm so glad about! It was so hard to get up this morning, probably because I only got about 5 hours of sleep. Johnny went out after class with some friends and asked if i would wait up for him since we hadn't seen each other all day. I said I would only because he said he would be home at 11. Well he didn't get home until about 12:45. I gave up on him about 12:15 but hadn't fallen asleep yet when he came home so we talked in bed before we both fell asleep. Usually when Johnny doesn't come home when he says he is going to I get really upset but I've been trying to stay calm lately and he was checking in every 20 minutes last night to let me know he'd be late. The thing I was most upset about was not getting my 8 hours of sleep! I read this article in Glamour (love that mag!) about a study that was done linking the amount of sleep women get and weight loss. Six women in the story committed to getting at least 7.5 hours of sleep per night and all of them lost weight without changing any other habits e.g. exercise and eating. So last night I was going to start my own experiment and try to get 8 hours of sleep. Well Johnny crushed that plan. Maybe I'll try to start it tonight.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I love how quotes can make you feel better :-)
Sometimes quotes make me feel better about issues I'm dealing with. I think that is because it feels like someone else in the world gets what you are thinking and you aren't alone. Today I found the quote below and thought it was perfect! (Sorry, I'm not sure where it is from exactly.)
"Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it."
"Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it."
Don't worry!
Ok. I'm a control freak. I will be the first one to admit this. Am I trying to control my relationship with Johnny too much? Probably. Do I need to just let go and let it run its course? Probably. I know I can be a little uptight at times and maybe this is one of those times. Johnny always tells me that I worry too much which I do so maybe I need to just stop worrying and let things happen. Interesting....it sounds good in theory but I know it's going to be really hard for me. Sometimes when I try to let go and let things happen it comes across as if I don't care about what happens. How do I let go but still care?
Monday, February 2, 2009
No Choice
So Johnny and I had a talk on Thursday night about our relationship. He always seems receptive while we are talking but then he makes the same mistakes which makes me think that he just doesn't care. He went out Saturday night and didn't come home until 3:00 in the afternoon on Sunday. I made the choice to trust him and not doubt his faithfulness but I'm kind of starting to. He goes out with friends almost every night and doesn't come back until early morning. I feel like he has been really secretive lately and just kind of weird. I don't know if it's me being paranoid or if it's a gut feeling that I should follow.
The part that hurts the most is that I feel like I'm back in the same situation that I was with my ex 2 years ago. The feeling of not really being wanted by my boyfriend. Of having to fight for any little time spent together. Feeling like I know very little about where he is and what he is doing. I hate that I'm back at this point with someone new. What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why do I continue to pick these men that end up doing the same thing to me?
I love Johnny so much and I want to be with him more than anything in the world but I need to be happy too and right now I'm not. I feel like I'm on the road to giving up and building up the courage to end it.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to have too mature of a relationship. Am I too boring like Joe says? Do I act too much like his mom or grandma? Am I in too much of a rush to get married and settle down? I don't know. I want a mature relationship but I also want to have fun with the man I love. Sometimes I think that Joe and I just aren't right for each other right now. He's doing the whole college thing, go out every night and I've done that. Yes I still like to go out with friends but not the same way I did in college. But maybe I should be living it up more now. Maybe I'll regret not doing that when I'm older. But it just isn't me. I've always been mature for my age and I'm ok with that. Why should I try to be someone I'm not? Why should I act in a way that feels unnatural to me?
I think I've done all I can to make this relationship work. Johnny isn't pulling his weight. He isn't doing his part. And there isn't anything I can do or say to make him want to.
The part that hurts the most is that I feel like I'm back in the same situation that I was with my ex 2 years ago. The feeling of not really being wanted by my boyfriend. Of having to fight for any little time spent together. Feeling like I know very little about where he is and what he is doing. I hate that I'm back at this point with someone new. What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why do I continue to pick these men that end up doing the same thing to me?
I love Johnny so much and I want to be with him more than anything in the world but I need to be happy too and right now I'm not. I feel like I'm on the road to giving up and building up the courage to end it.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to have too mature of a relationship. Am I too boring like Joe says? Do I act too much like his mom or grandma? Am I in too much of a rush to get married and settle down? I don't know. I want a mature relationship but I also want to have fun with the man I love. Sometimes I think that Joe and I just aren't right for each other right now. He's doing the whole college thing, go out every night and I've done that. Yes I still like to go out with friends but not the same way I did in college. But maybe I should be living it up more now. Maybe I'll regret not doing that when I'm older. But it just isn't me. I've always been mature for my age and I'm ok with that. Why should I try to be someone I'm not? Why should I act in a way that feels unnatural to me?
I think I've done all I can to make this relationship work. Johnny isn't pulling his weight. He isn't doing his part. And there isn't anything I can do or say to make him want to.
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