What to do?

I'm at a loss as to what to do about the relationship between Johnny and I. Yesterday I had told him that I really wanted to spend some time with him last night. We don't see each other very often during the week because of work and school and last night since he didn't have to go to class I thought it would be a great opportunity for us to spend time together. Well after about an hour of hanging out he wanted to go play chess with a friend. I said that was find as long as he came back early. (I'm trying to be understanding and let him do his own thing so he doesn't feel suffocated.) He said he would be back around 10:30. Well at 10:30 he called and said that he would be a little late. I told him to hurry so that I didn't get too tired before he come home. He said he would. After we hung up I texted him telling him to please come home now because I really wanted to see him and spend time together. He said he was copying his friends notes from the class he missed. I went to sleep. Johnny arrived home at 3am. I'm upset of course. I'm crying because I feel like he doesn't want to be with me. Why should I have to beg for him to spend time with me? I told him that I feel like he doesn't care what I want or say. He said he feels the same about me and that I never listen to him or care what he is going through. I just can't believe he thinks that. I'm sacrificing so much for him and I'm trying to be so understanding but I need him to meet me halfway. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Book Review

I just finished reading "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. It's my bookclub's pick for February so we can go to the movie instead of have a formal meeting. I was not really impressed. The book goes through many examples of excuses that men use which in the end mean that they just aren't into the woman. I agreed with some of the advice in the book but I also couldn't help but feeling like the author was making this out to be The Bible of relationship advice. Sometimes I don't think things are as clean cut as the book implies. For instance, Greg talks about the excuse of a guy being too shy to ask a girl out as really meaning that "he's just not that into you". I don't agree with this. I think being shy is a legitimate reason for not asking a girl out. Men are just as much afraid of rejection as women are. My background in science tells me that there are just too many variables to consider. Not all men are the same so this set of rules isn't going to work for all relationships. I think it is best to take the book with a grain of salt and use it as a guide only. I'm interested to know what other people thought of the book and it's advice.

Check-in Monday

Annoying!!! Monday is the day that I weight myself to see how I'm doing on my weight loss goals. The last 2 Mondays the scale has not budged!!! I know what I'm doing wrong. I need to get my eating under control. I've been really good at exercising. I get an hour of cardio in 6 days a week and since January 1 I have only missed 4 days. The problem is that since I'm exercising more my body is physically hungrier than it used to be so I feel the urge to eat more. I should fight this urge so that I have a deficit of calories everyday but I've been giving in. Plus, I live with a man who likes to eat bad things and since he's eating it then it makes it really hard for me to say no. So this week I'm going to concentrate really hard on 2 things. One, keeping my snacks healthy, limiting my eating to 3 meals and 2 snacks and keeping my portions small. And two, not eating what Johnny eats. (I think that was more than 2 things but whatever.)
That scale is going to go down damnit!!!

TGIF!

I'm so glad it is Friday! But then again am I ever not glad that it is Friday?! NOPE! I am so bored at work right now. I just have no ambition to do anything! Ok who am I kidding? I never want to do anything at work. But today is especially bad. I want to go home and relax and do something really fun.

I had one of those internal struggles today at lunch. I'm trying really hard to lose weight before my trip to Jamaica in March. So I've been eating healthy and working out everyday and it actually feels really good. And even though I haven't lost much weight yet I can definitely feel my body changing. I feel more toned and healthier. Today for lunch I brought the ingredients for a Southwestern Salad which is really good but I've been eating it for 4 days straight now and it really didn't sound good to me at noon today. I really wanted to go to the cafeteria and get something really tasty but really bad for me. The angel on my shoulder was telling me to eat my salad to not only maintain the healthy diet but to save money. The devil on my shoulder was coming up with many ways to justify going to the fat-loaded cafeteria. I was at the point where I would rather not eat than eat the salad. But my willpower worked this time! I ate the salad and I feel good about that. I know I would have felt guilty and regretted getting the Bacon Cheeseburger and Waffle Fries but they would have tasted good in the moment.

Happy Inauguration Day!

What a momentous day! I get goosebumps just thinking about how today will be remembered forever in history! And it's so crazy to think that I was alive for it and was able to watch it happen. I'm so proud of our country for electing Barack as the 44th president. He brings so much hope and inspiration to the position. I can't wait to see what he does in the next 4 years. I'm just so excited!!!

I also must say something about Former President Bush (doesn't that sounds awesome!). I feel sort of bad for him. He must feel like shit for leaving our country in the state it is in. But I can respect him a little since only 44 people in the entire world know what it is like to sit in the Oval Office chair and make decisions for the USA.

We are on the path to making our country a better place to live.
HAPPY INAUGURATION DAY!!!

And then...

Johnny calls me at work and is so nice and sweet and acts like the guy I fell in love with. This makes it very hard to be mad at him and want out of our relationship. GRRRR

Love hurts...

Johnny and I got in a huge fight on Thursday night. It started with me getting upset that he was yet again going out with friends and staying out until really late at night. I had hardly seen him in the last couple days and it makes me feel like he doesn't care if we see each other or not. So when I got upset abut that he started to get defensive and upset with me. Well words were said and we didn't speak to each other the rest of the night and the next morning. At work on Friday I emailed me him a super long email about my feelings and what I had been observing in the relationship. He responded and apologized for his behavior and the things he said. He told me that he loved me so much and didn't want to lose me but that he is going through so many stressful things right now. I didn't see him all weekend until Sunday night because he didn't want to come see me since it's obviously more fun to hang out with his friends. I was a miserable wreck all weekend because I felt like our relationship was unraveling. I felt like there was nothing I could do to fix it and make it better. I felt how I did when things fell apart with my ex 2 years ago. I felt a little abandoned. So last night Johnny and I hung out but we didn't talk about the fight or anything. I didn't want to bring it up because we were having a good time and I don't want to seem like we always have to be talking about that. I really need to bring it up tonight though. And I need to ask him, "Do you have what it takes to make this work?", "Do you want to put the effort in?". I'm really close to being at the end of my rope. I can't keep giving 200% and getting about 30% back from him. I understand that he is going through some really difficult things right now but that doesn't mean that he can be lazy in our relationship. To me that says that he doesn't really want to be in it. I hate that I'm back at the same place in a relationship with someone totally different. Why don't I deserve to find someone who doesn't have major emotional issues and is able to love me the way I want to be loved?

Awkward!!!

So I have been religiously working out lately because of this little trip I have planned which will require me to be in a bathing suit for 7 days straight. When I can, I work out with my friend at his apartment because there is a fitness center there. Last night we did 45 minutes of jogging/running on the treadmill (experts say to do 45-60 minutes of cardio, 4-5 times per week to get rid of belly fat) and then did a DVD ab workout. Well since there was 3 of us and his apartment is small we decided to do the ab workout in the media room which has a big tv, couches, pool table, bar/kitchenette area and a patio. We were getting in to our workout when the door opens and 2 middle aged men walk in and start playing pool/watching us workout. Now we all know that when doing those DVD workouts one can look pretty ridiculous. We did of course and it was a little embarrassing to know that these 2 guys were watching. I got over it pretty quickly until my friend started passing gas which stunk up the entire room! We finally finished and of course my farting friend had to make small talk with these 2 guys which was even more awkward. HAHA I'll be doing my workouts in the privacy of my own home from now on.

What is wrong with some people?!

So I wasn't going to blog about this but when my friend's response to the story after I emailed it to her was "peeing my pants. must run to bathroom." I figured other people may get a kick out of it.
There is this super creepy dude that works in IT that I do not like! My cubicle is next to the cubicle with the fax machine and all of a sudden I hear my name being said and I look over and he is like peeking over the wall to stare at me. He has snuck up on me like 3 times in the last month.* And he is old and ugly and married with 2 kids. Plus just now after he creepily peered over the wall at me he came into my cube and was like nosing around in my papers. GET AWAY!

*One time I was watching my soap on my computer (ok, I admit that I hardly do any real work while at work) and I happened to look over and he is just standing in my cube staring at me! Now usually I can hear people approaching because I don't want to get caught watching my soap at work which means that he must have seriously SNUCK up on me. Like tiptoed and everything I'm sure.

All in...

So I've decided (I'm pretty sure I've came to this conclusion before and just not stuck to it) that I am going to give Johnny my complete trust. I have to. I expect him to trust me and to get that I need to give it. I mean he hasn't really done anything to deserve anything less. Most of my trust issues stem from a past relationship and I can't hold the things that happened with someone else again Johnny. I'm afraid of not seeing the signs that tell me we aren't going to work. There were so many signs I should have seen in previous relationships. But I guess the saying that hindsight is 20/20 is a saying for a reason.
I just have to let go and I'm going to try really hard to do it this time. I overanalyze things and I let things get stuck in my head but I need to follow my heart more often. I know he loves me and that he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. I might still get hurt but that is part of life and I think I'm doing more harm by being afraid of that.
OMG it's so hard though! I just sat here for a moment thinking about how I'm going to relinquish control and put my trust in him. I got a little scared! I got that nervous feeling in my stomach! I think I need help. I need thereapy to get over this need of being in control.
Ok no therapy yet (because I can't afford it) so I'm going to have to try to get through this on my own.

(shakes head)

Wow. I'm at work. Just now in the hallway I passed my boss who is 6 months pregnant. Aunt Flo is visiting me right now so my first thought was "Wouldn't it be awesome to not have your period for 9 months?!". My next thought was "Wouldn't it be even MORE awesome to not have to worry about birth control and getting pregnant for 9 months!?" Wow....I don't even know what to say for myself. That thought doesn't even really make sense. I'll just do that motion like in the V-8 commercials, a big "Duh" hit to my head. I consider myself a smart person but I definitely have my blond moments.

Hello, my name is June and I'm a....

travelholic!!! I love to travel! I love being with friends and laughing and experience new things and exploring and seeing what kind of mischievous biz we can get in to! I'm sure like to travel as much as me but I really feel addicted to it. I'm not happy unless I have a trip to look forward to. At work people are always like "where are you going now?" Whatever they are just jealous!
So my next trip that I have planned is to Jamaica in March. I'm really excited for it because I'm going with my best friend from childhood and his family which is pretty much my 2nd family. We've known each other since we were 3 years old in preschool at Gingerbread house ;-) His parents are so fun and awesome! Plus his boyfriend is coming along as well so we are just going to have a blast. After (well before too) we booked our trip I was definitely having a little bit of buyer's remorse because I knew I shouldn't be spending that much money on something when I have some college debt to pay off. I've come up with some good reasons (justifications) for this trip and here they are: (maybe you can use them if you need justificiation for something)
1. I need to get in shape. I'm not totally unhappy with my body but it does need a little work. In the past year I have hardly worked out and I ate like shit. My new year's resolution (along with everyone else on the planet) was to workout more and eat healthier. I've been trying to do this for a year now and nothing has seemed to motivate me enough to actually stick to it. This is where my trip to Jamaica comes in. Since I'm going to be spending 7 days on the beach in a swimsuit I definitely want to look my best. So this trip is totally my motivation for finally sticking to my plan of getting in shape. It has worked before (Vegas 2007) so I think it will work again. So far I have worked out 6 of the last 8 days. And I'm bringing a healthy lunch and snacks to work everyday as well as eating a healthy dinner. Moral of the story....lipo and other weight loss solutions can cost lots of money! I'm getting a 2-for-1 deal since I get a trip and a better bod out of the deal.
2. Mood booster. I know everyone experiences a little depression at some time in their life. My life is ok right now but I do get a little depressed by things every now and then. Having a super fun trip to look forward too helps me get through the tough times. I'm saving on depression medication and spendy therapist bills so again, 2-for-1 deal. (Ok, the money I'm spending may cause me more depression later when I realize I really couldn't afford it but I'll just re-read this post to justify it again.)

You can pick your friends....but maybe I should pick them for you.

Is it totally horrible that I hate pretty much of my boyfriend's friends? I guess hate is pretty strong but I do dislike them. I think they are all immature, lazy and doing absolutely nothing with their life with no plans of changing that. I keep hoping that my bf will realize what losers they are. The problem is he says he knows they're losers and that is why he likes hanging out with them. Being around them makes him feel better about himself. What an insane reason to be friends with people!!!! Now I know that my bf doesn't like all my friends either but at least all my friends have goals and aren't completely lazy and unmotivated. I'm trying to be nice here but it's really hard. So what does one do when this happens? I can't tell him who to be friends with and I can't really voice my honest opinion because that would hurt his feelings. I just wish he could find some people who are more respectable to be friends with. Will he grow up and out of his current friendships? Will he one day realize that these people are holding him back. I hope so!!!
PS-This problem probably has a little bit to do with me wanting total control of everything in my life and in the lives of everyone around me.